Sometimes it's just hard

I'm in a place of mixed emotions right now. There are so many things I have to be thankful for right now and I can consciously count my blessings and give praise to God for all that he's given me.

But there's a part of me that feels like this Faith thing is really, really hard lately.
My brain gets it.
Mostly.
I mean, I grew up knowing it.
I get that part.

But then there's the part of my brain and my heart that doesn't get it. It's like I want to go back to the innocent childlike faith that I had before I started asking questions and seeking answers.

That life was easy.

The rules were to follow God's commandments, be a good little girl, and Jesus would love me. But I suppose the reality of that childlike faith that I had was that it wasn't the true Gospel.

The faith I had as a child and honestly, even all the way through high school, and most of college was a faith that was dependent on what I did.
It was dependent on my good behavior,
on my church involvement,
on my volunteer activities,
on my obedience to my parents and my teachers and all elders, etc.

As I write this I see how harsh that sounds, but the reality is that it was simple. Everything was very black and white.
Sure, I was failing...but in comparison to most of the world, I wasn't failing that bad.
I listened to my parents most of the time,
I got good grades,
I never drank,
I never swore,
I was nice to people,
I never got in any major trouble.
You get the idea.

But the reality is, whether I wanted to admit it then or even admit it now, I was still failing.
I told white lies,
I was sinful when I could hide it and get away with it,
I cut corners on occasion to get good grades,
I fought with my parents and disrespected them a lot,
I was nice to people's faces but would talk crap behind their backs.
Once again, you get the idea.

And then one day - I can't pinpoint the date, unfortunately - I realized that what I had always assumed to be the Gospel wasn't true at all.
What I had always assumed it took to be saved was these "values" that I had.
Be a good girl.
That would save me.
And that would save my friends and classmates, too.
If they would just quit getting trashed and stop cussing, then they'd be a real Christian. Obviously.

But how very, very misled I was.
It didn't matter how good I was, I would never, ever, ever be good enough to deserve salvation on my own. My good deeds and good reputation where not even on the radar of being close to earning me salvation. I heard the True Gospel: Christ's death on the cross has earned me salvation. Nothing I have done or could ever do will ensure me a place in Heaven. My only assurance is that Christ took my place. His inheritance is my reward. And what I really deserve, death, is what he took in my place.

And maybe that's why I'm struggling...and maybe I'll struggle my whole life.

Because it seems so simple...
really, it does...
but then it also seems so hard.
If it's not black and white anymore, what is it?
What's it look like to be a believer?

And you know what's worse? Sometimes I find myself still living in that world of black and white even though I know it's wrong. Or criticizing those believers that live in that world of black and white--like that's any better!

I crave rules...I want rules...I don't know how to handle this whole Free Grace and Free Love thing.
I didn't do anything...why do I get it?!?
Nothing is free. That doesn't make sense in this world I live in.
It's like I'm shouting to God "Okay, what's the catch, mister. What do you want of me? This can't be free. There's no way you just wipe my sin away. Don't believe it. I bet you're holding a secret grudge. You're keeping tally of my sin, aren't you? You're going to bring it back up someday, aren't you?"

I have so much trouble believing that really truly and honestly IT'S FREE.
God's Grace is Free.
I don't have to do anything...I just have to believe it and accept it.

So now I'm back to this gray area.

And that only touches the surface.

All I know is that I've lived for 25 years knowing how to "look" Christian and I'm just kind of over it. Saying the right words and doing the right things ultimately doesn't really matter. The one thing that is still very, very clear to me is that Christ has called his followers to love as He first loved us.

So as I try to figure out the rest of this crazy mess in my heart and in my head, I'm going to start with that.

I'll continue to love....
but not with these boundaries that I set up (i.e. to love only those who act like me and follow the same "rules" as me and have the same "values" as me).
I'll love with reckless abandonment...
trusting the Lord to lead my ways.

Welcome to the messy parts of my heart.

What Matters More

So I've kind of gotten out of the habit of blogging, not because I don't have things on my mind, but because I have SO MUCH on my mind that I don't know where to start. And I don't feel like I have the words to express.

Anyway, I'm back. For today at least. And I'm loving this song by Derek Webb. I'm a huge fan. He calls it like he sees it. He's blunt. There's issues in the Christian Church that aren't being addressed, but he's addressing them...or at least bringing attention to them. Controversial? Definitely. But I'm learning that real faith is something that we have to wrestle with. We should constantly be questioning ourselves, our beliefs, our actions, our words. We have to in order to grow.

With all that said, listen to this song. It's from his album that came out last year, I believe. Yes, the lyrics are explicit. I'm okay with that. And yes, the issue is a touchy one. I'm okay with that, too. I'm interested in hearing your thoughts on it. What are your thoughts on the topic? Let's dialogue. :)

What Matters More, by Derek Webb

You say you always treat people like you like to be
I guess you love being hated for your sexuality
You love when people put words in your mouth
'Bout what you believe, make you sound like a freak

'Cause if you really believe what you say you believe
You wouldn't be so damn reckless with the words you speak
Wouldn't silently consent when the liars speak
Denyin' all the dyin' of the remedy

Tell me, brother, what matters more to you?
Tell me, sister, what matters more to you?

If I can tell what's in your heart by what comes out of your mouth
Then it sure looks to me like being straight is all it's about
It looks like being hated for all the wrong things
Like chasin' the wind while the pendulum swings

'Cause we can talk and debate until we're blue in the face
About the language and tradition that he's comin' to save
Meanwhile we sit just like we don't give a shit
About 50,000 people who are dyin' today

Tell me, brother, what matters more to you?
Tell me, sister, what matters more to you?

Mind Ramblings...

I have lots of random thoughts. Often. So today's post is a glimpse into my mind and the ramblings that hang out in there. Enjoy.

• I love going to the library. I like roaming around and judging books by their covers. And I like free movies and free music.
  
• I have 2 locations here in town where I feel like I can sit quietly (or on the phone with a best friend) where I feel almost entirely at peace and calm. I'm tempted to list them, but I'd like to keep them my little secret.
• I have a horrible time remembering names that go with faces. I met a girl on Friday at work and talked with her for over an hour in my office about a job opening in our department that she's interested in. She stopped by my office again today just to say hi and for a good 30 seconds I had absolutely no idea who she was.
  
• I've been having incredible weird dreams lately. Including: being rescued from vampires by a cute guy from the gym, having a tarantula chase me around and being scared out of my mind, being trapped on Shutter Island (like the movie), being in the musical Grease at my high school but refusing to go to any practices, prophesying the end of the world which included me singing the Beatles "Imagine" at a high school talent show. See, weird.
• Either this summer in Florida is not as bad as the past 3 or I'm just getting used to them.
  
• My car said it was 90 degrees outside tonight when I was driving home and I remember thinking to myself "yay! the weather is cooling down!" uh what? Since when is 90 degrees cool? I suppose I was just thankful it wasn't 100 degrees.
• I've discovered how I like coffee. And I've discovered I actually like it quiet a bit. I like it Ethiopian style -- with lots of milk (not creamer...and skim milk at that) and just a tad bit of sugar/sweetener.

Wow, I'm drawing a blank on everything else. I mean, my mind literally races a 100 miles a minute all day long with random thoughts, longings of my heart, questions, wonders, dreams, etc. But right now all I can think of is that I'm ready to lay my head down and go to sleep. So I'm going to indulge in that now.

Also, please remember to vote for Cure JM on the Pepsi Refresh grants. Check out my post a couple down to learn more. Or just click on over and vote because that'd be the awesomest thing you could do. http://www.refresheverything.com/makejmamemory