God Saw - And He Knew

I've gotten really bad at this blogging thing, eh?  Yeah...been a kajillion billion things I've been doing.

In any case, I felt like it was time to share some of what God's been teaching me.   I'm sure this blog post will only begin to brush the surface of what I'm learning and some of you might not care what God is specifically doing in my life and some of you might think that all of this is a little crazy (maybe you'll think "duh Kristi...you should have known that a long time ago" or maybe even "Um God? Really?  You're crazy").  And all of these things are fine.  I'm sharing in hopes that someone will read this and be able to relate.  I'm sharing this in hopes that when times get hard I'll be able to come back here, read this and be reminded that my Jesus loves me.  I'm sharing this because the truth of Jesus is just far too wonderful not to share.

Anyway, so here it is.

The church I go to is amazing.  I've been there for over 2 1/2 years.  Throughout those 2 1/2 years I've experienced so much and I can't imagine not having the community at City Church to walk through those experiences with.  Another thing that I really love about City Church is their commitment to walking through scripture together, as a church body.  As part of City Bible Reading (CBR), we read a new testament and an old testament passage every day.  Now it's time for me to admit something...Over the past 2 1/2 years, I've rarely done this.  I could give you all of the millions of reasons why, but I won't.  The point is, I typically found better things to do, or would forget, or whatever. But lately, I've been reading....I've been craving it...more and more.  I don't say this to gain recognition or praise from anyone, just to be transparent.

As I've been reading lately, it's been strange because I've felt myself gravitating more and more towards the stories of the Old Testament and quite honestly, typically I have trouble seeing any correlation between those stories and my story.  But the more I read, the more I see how the story of Moses and my story and your story are all intricately related.  Our stories are all part of the larger redemption story.  The story of Moses is just as relevant now as it was then. It's a story of deliverance...of God knowing his people and never forgetting about them.

I think I can feel forgotten sometimes...or a lot of times.  I can't tell you how many times I've yelled at God, asking him if He's forgotten about me.  Begging that He would hear my cries and do something...anything.  There have been times in my life where I've been convinced that God has completely turned his back on me or that He was too busy with far more important things or important people to deal with me.  But as I've been reading through Exodus and the story of Moses and the Israelites, my eyes have been re-opened to the Truth. 

Read these verses from Exodus 2:23-25:

During those many days the king of Egypt died, and the people of Israel groaned because of their slavery and cried out for help. Their cry for rescue from slavery came up to God. And God heard their groaning, and God remembered his covenant with Abraham, with Isaac, and with Jacob. God saw the people of Israel—and God knew.

I get what you might be thinking. "Kristi, you have nothing in common with the Israelites.  They were SLAVES. You have a pretty easy, simple life."  Yeah, I thought that too.  But I think there are more similarities between us (21st century Christians) and the Israelites than we realize.  They were physical slaves to the Egyptians...but we, too, are slaves.  I'm a slave to my idols. I'm a slave to the things of this world.  I'm a slave to anything that distracts me from growing intimately closer to Jesus.  And here it is...my enslavement...and yet here God is, rescuing me.

Exodus 2:25 says "God SAW the people of Israel - and God KNEW." (my emphasis). When the Israelites felt stranded and alone...God SAW.  He KNEW the misery they were in.  He knew their enslavement.  And as the next chapters reveal, He had laid out a plan for the rescue.  From Egypt and ultimately, through Christ's death on the cross, from the depths of Hell.

God never forsakes His people. (Deuteronomy 31:8) He saw the Israelites...he rescued them from enslavement. He sees ME...and He's rescued me from the enslavement of my sins.

So that's my jumbled mess of thoughts...I recently wrote an email to someone and shared this with them:

The Lord is revealing to me that my deepest and most desperate desire is to intimately know Him and I feel like I'm steadily growing to understand what that means.  It's a relief and a joy.  

It's true. I've said it before...I'll never have this thing all figured out, but I'm walking in faith. And God, through his Son, is continuing to rescue me.

How Jersey Shores Helped Me Understand the Love of Christ

Yep. That's right. Odd, I know. But let me explain (or at least give it a try).

See, I was watching Jersey Shore for the first time tonight (I had only seen some clips of it on comedy shows and such before). And I was watching it I, of course, was a bit shocked. I'll fully admit that I grew up a sheltered girl from the farmlands of the Midwest, but I've since seen quite a bit of the world. And yet, watching Jersey Shores I was still left with my mouth gaping open as the girls bickered about the dumbest things, the boys hooked up with girls they'd met for the first time just hours before, friends failed to stand up and defend each other, etc.

Anyway, I just kind of brushed it off and went on with my night.

Then, as I was taking a shower (because all good thinking happens while in the shower. Fact.), I started thinking about it again. For a long time I've been questioning what it means to be a Believer and what it means to be loved by Christ. And maybe, just maybe this is part of it (because I know I'll never understand the full of it in this lifetime!!). I've been hurting for a while, thinking to myself that if God really loved me that he would fix everything...not just in my life, but in the lives of all His people. But maybe part of being loved by Christ is being aware. I feel as though the more I grow to know Jesus, the more my heart hurts...but I think the reasons my heart hurts changes. My heart hurts less often because someone was mean to me or I didn't get my way and my heart starts hurting more often for the poor, oppressed, and needy. Maybe that's part of what it means to be loved by Christ. I think less of myself and more about what His heart hurts for.

I'm DEFINITELY NOT saying I have it all figured out or that my heart is selfless all the time (heck, even part of the time). But as I watched Jersey Shore tonight and saw the selfish actions, I realized how unaware they are of world around them. They live in a world of finding gratification for themselves no matter what the cost might be to the people around them. I think as we grow to know and love Christ we become aware of the community and world around us. We begin to think about our actions and how they affect others. It may still make little or no sense, but we see it, we respond to it, we attempt to live out love even though we fail miserably.

It's starting to make sense a little bit. This is why we question...to look for answers.

What's Enough?

I read this post on twitter today: "Good news of Gospel of Christ is not if you follow him everything will go well, good news is you get him & he's enough!" via @prodigaljohn

And here was my succession of thoughts:

1. YES! So true!
2. Wait, what?
3. C'mon, can that be any more vague.
4. Okay, what the heck does it mean to be "enough"?
5. Ugh, I hate abstract things.

Yep, that's basically how it went.

But really, I think that's a valid question. That's all great and good and wonderful to say that we get Christ and He's enough, but what does that mean for him to be enough? Sure I can say in my life that He's enough and He'll never let me go hungry, or thirsty, and He'll provide for all my needs because I'm more valuable than the lily in the valley. Blah blah blah.

But try that on the hungry kid. The orphan in Africa. The woman who has just been raped. Yeah, try that on them.

That's where I keep getting caught up. If God is God and He is enough than why can't He stinkin feed the hungry. Why can't he prevent children from being sold into the sex trade? Why can't he prevent innocent women from being victimized by rape? Why can't he feed the millions of people who go to bed hungry? Why can't he provide clean water for all his people? WHY?

What does it mean for Christ to be enough for those people?

And I get it...our ultimate home is not here, but in heaven. But if that's the case, then why don't we just get to peace out once we become believers and go chill in heaven? Why the suffering here?

Sometimes it just doesn't make sense to me. But you know what...I think I finally know what people meant when they said that going to Africa would change me forever. Not a day goes by now that I don't ask these questions and think of the children I left behind there.

Being a follower of Jesus is anything but easy. The hardest thing I do every day is try to make sense of it all. And I don't mean to be negative...just looking for answers. If anyone's got them, I'm ready to hear 'em.

Some days there are tears...

My Monday came with a lot of tears. As I sit here typing this on the verge of tears again, I'm surprised that I have any left to cry. I've been in prayer today constantly yelling at God to FRIEKING SHOW UP already. I know, I know. He's here. But the immature believer in me wants some stinking evidence.

Okay let me rehash my day.

It started like this. I walked outside to go to work, looked down, and saw that my front tire was nearly flat. I decided I could drive the approximately 3 miles to the shop on it and have them take a look. I got there and the guy tells me that the tire is not salvageable and will need replaced. Lovely. So I leave my car there and walk to work. As I'm texting my dad while walking to work he tells me that I need to replace 2 tires then for alignment purposes. Awesome. So about 3 hours later the shop calls me and tells me all 4 tires need replaced because they're dry rotted. Wonderful. Bye, bye $500.

I know, I know. It's not that big of a deal.

But you know what? It is. Why? Because it was the topper on the crap I feel like I've been buried under and working through the past several months.

And as I tried my hardest to pray through it today, all I kept coming back to is WHERE ARE YOU GOD? If this is the picture of the Gospel that I'm supposed to be sharing with others, it kinda sucks.

I felt like today was another damper on me trying to open doors to my dreams. I had gone to look at dSLR cameras this weekend and started to price them out and got excited about pursuing that and then out of the no where, I have to spend money that I was saving for that on my car.

It's just frustrating. And it just led me to start question everything.

It's like, c'mon God, can you cut me a break on this one?

I guess I just find myself caught between what I know is True and what Satan tries to trick me into thinking. I know that the reality is that God IS present. He HAS shown up and he will KEEP showing up. But I don't know what that looks like. At least not all the time. And definitely not during times like this when I feel like I'm struggling to keep afloat.

I know the trick that Satan is playing on me is to question what I've done wrong to deserve this crap to deal with. I find myself asking "Is this what life is supposed to be? Should I just accept it and move forward living a nominal existence?" So really, I guess that's a double trick. Because 1) I haven't done anything wrong to deserve THIS...or rather, I've done everything wrong and I don't deserve ANYTHING. But God in His abundant love is saving me constantly from more than I can imagine (I'll be honest, even as I type this I'm struggling to see what God's love looks like). And 2) Satan's trying to trick me into settling. To giving up on what I feel called to. To living a nominal, mediocre existence.

I see people with the lives that I want and I find myself thinking "They must be more faithful than I am. God has rewarded them because they read their Bible every day, tithe, volunteer, pray constantly, etc." And then I feel this sudden urge to stop everything I'm doing and simultaneously read my Bible, pray, and help the needy all at once in an effort to become more holy and therefore earn God's favor and then He will give me my heart's desires.

So you can see where the tears come in...I think they're more tears of frustration because I know that junk isn't true. I can't earn God's favor. But then I'm frustrated because I'm left here wondering how much longer I'll have to struggle through this pain and confusion that I feel. How much longer will I have to live with this strong discontentment?

Nothing seems fair. Here, Lord, am I trying to be your good and faithful servant asking not for money, fame or riches, but for a life full of meaning and purpose and I feel like you're withholding those things from me. Aren't those good and holy things to long for? So why do they feel like they are being withheld? And then I see non-believers, cheats, liars living it up, going on luxurious vacations, living in huge mansions, buying expensive clothes and cars. Come on God! Why don't you put them in their place? (Hello, Judgmental Kristi)

I want it to make sense. I want it to be fair. I want justice. I want the homeless family to be clothed and fed. I want the orphans to have a family. I want the sick to be healthy. I want the thirsty to never have to thirst again (in the most literal sense...I want them to have water).

Why does it all seem so frieking unfair? This is when I find myself shouting, yelling at God: FRIEKING SHOW UP already. In my life. In their life. In your children's lives.

And all that I keep coming back to tonight as I yell and scream and cry is gratitude. Thankful that my Father is okay with me throwing this tantrum. Thankful that as day in and day out I try to make sense of this sinful world that I'm living in, He's okay that I get mad and I get angry and I get upset.

Yeah, I'm still frustrated. And as I type this, tears are pouring out and my heart is even more confused than when I started. But I have faith that God is sitting here with me amidst my sin, loving me in ways that I don't understand or comprehend, as I try to figure it all out.

Fireflies

Fireflies. To me, they're a sign of childhood. I remember running around my backyard with my sisters and catching fireflies in our hands and then peaking through our fingers to see them lighting up in our hands. We would keep a few in jars and put a few blades of grass and a stick or two in the jar with them because surely if they had grass they would live and be just fine. Then the next morning we would wake up to find them all barely crawling around on the bottom of the jar. Who knew that lightening bugs needed oxygen, too?

Anyway, I was thinking about that when talking to someone recently when I realized that I hadn't seen any fireflies in Florida since I moved here 3 years ago. In Ohio it's a sign of summertime. I'd look in the backyard and see it light up with specks of green. But here in Florida, they are hard to come by.

I've become somewhat fixated on this bit of knowledge recently. For some reason it kind of bothered me. Fireflies/lightening bugs are such a simple thing, but suddenly I missed them. A lot. And perhaps it was because I was becoming nostalgic for my childhood, nostalgic for simpler days filled with big dreams of what the future holds.

Then the other night I talked my roommate into going to the playground to swing on the swings with me. It was somewhat of an assignment, you could say...to experience childhood for a moment. What better place than a playground? On top of that, my roommate convinced me to ride the tandem bike she has. I hate the tandem bike. I don't know why, but I just hate it. I refuse to ride it. But since the night's goal was to act like a child, I gave in. We rode to the playground laughing. Swung on the swings, played on the climbing toys, and zip lined. I did, for a moment, feel childlike again. I felt relaxed. I felt at ease. I felt like I could dream again.

After we returned home I was sitting at my desk working on a project. My desk sits in front of my window and the sun had already set so it was dark outside. I looked up for a moment from my computer and spotted something green glowing through my window. I looked closer and saw that on the screen outside my window was a lightening bug. He flickered a bit and I tried to grab my camera, but he flew away. But in that simple thing of a single lightening bug I felt renewed hope. I felt a renewed promise that God's hand is still over my life just as it always has been. I felt that it was okay to dream freely again.

Faithful in weakness

If you read my last post (yes the one before the 2 videos...although those are funny and not to be missed!), you would have quickly found out that I've been pretty angry with God lately. I like to think that my anger with God has just been in the past few weeks, but if I'm to be completely honest, I've felt some bitterness towards him for quite a while. Sure, it comes and goes, but I think that it's been there for a while--just sometimes hidden by other things.

So today it would be suffice to say that I wasn't all that stoked about going to church. I had decided last night that I definitely wasn't going to the morning service and I was going to take advantage of sleeping in (of course, whenever I plan to sleep in, I can't and I was up far earlier than was planned...but I digress). So this afternoon rolls around and I decide that I'm going to go downtown to this coffee shop/cafe that I really like to work on some things that I've been needing to do for a while (ahem...write follow up letters for Africa...ahem). My friend Angela meets me there for dinner and at this point I'm still somewhat contemplating skipping evening church and just staying at the cafe. Well since Angela was with me, I kind of felt like I had to go to church....so I did. And now I'm sitting here thankful that I went. During the whole service I felt like God was having a private conversation with my heart--speaking directly to the questions that I've been asking for a very, very long time.

Anyways...let's see if I can put this down in a somewhat comprehensible form.

Recently, someone told me that sometimes my faith can seem kind of over-the-top. I remember looking at that person and saying "Huh. That's funny. Because I've been faking it. For a while." And I was being completely honest. I had come to a point where the gospel no longer felt alive to me. I was feeling (and to be honest, many days still battling these feelings) that God had abandoned me and that no matter what I did, it wasn't good enough.

And I'm still battling with all of this. Daily. Hourly. From the moment I wake up until the moment I go to sleep.

But I want to quit faking it. I want to be authentic. So here it is. Take it for what it's worth...maybe it'll still be "over-the-top" for you. But for me, this is real. This is admitting that I struggle. That sometimes I fake it because I don't know what else to do.

So how does that tie into tonight's service? Well...I'm getting there...I think. (It might take me a while...so bear with me. Grab a coffee. Settle back. Take it all in.)

It started with singing tonight. I've found that I connect in two very distinct ways...through music and imagery. And music has always been my favorite part of worship. So we start singing "This is My Father's World" and I remember one line in particular sticking out to me: "This is my Father's world, why should my heart be sad?" I remember thinking, "Gosh. How true is that? If this is my Father's world, then I have no reason to be sad. He has already claimed victory." But of course, life is hard sometimes and knowing that Christ has already claimed victory doesn't always seem to make up for the sadness and pain we experience.

So then we move on to some other songs until finally we started singing "Lord Have Mercy." I've sang this song a thousand times. But tonight it felt like it was my anthem.

"Jesus I've forgotten the words that You have spoken,
Promises that burned within my heart have now grown dim.
With a doubting heart I follow the paths of earthly wisdom.
Forgive me for my unbelief, renew my heart again.

Lord have mercy, Christ have mercy, Lord have mercy on me."

And I just sat there, soaking it all in. The struggles have seemed so strong that in the midst of it all, I've forgotten the Promise that is already mine. The passion that drives my heart is gone. And I feel so in need (and so thankful) for the Lord's mercy. That he hasn't given up on me and that he won't give up on me.

So we're not even to the sermon and I'm already feeling immensley overwhelmed with Truth.

And then our guest pastor/speaker gets up to deliver the sermon. I begin to zone out a bit until he starts to mention things about prayer and anxiety. And then with my interest sparked he goes on to speak the Truth that my heart has been longing to hear. And I'm also convicted of several things. First he tells us that we often feel anxious because "we don't believe the truth of God's fatherhood that's presented to us in the Gospel." We don't see God as a loving father so instead we live like orphans having to prove ourselves.

Sidenote: The verses that were being covered were Matthew 6:9-14 and Matthew 7:7-11. Chapter 6 is the Lord's Prayer and Chapter 7 is the verses about asking, seeking and knocking and it will be given to you and the verses about how if your son asked you for bread would you give him a stone? Of course not, so how much more will God provide. Okay back to the story...(and this is me paraphrasing what I heard tonight and what I was thinking while hearing it. I wish I were this wise to come up with this on my own. But I'm not.)

So of course at this point I'm sitting there thinking..."Okay, so the verses say that if I ask it will be given to me, if I seek I will find, and if I knock the doors will be open, so why the heck don't I have anything I've asked for and why the heck do I feel so stinkin' abandoned by you God?"

And then the pastor says this: So the verses say that if we ask for fish we won't be given a serpent (we'll be given fish, of course), but what if what we ask for sometimes is a serpant? Of course God is not going to grant us a request that would put us in danger. What if what we're asking for seems like a good thing, but in reality would be nurturing in us a love for worldly things and leading us away from faith and into self reliance and unbelief.

Wow. Hmm. Yep. It's starting to come together for me. How many times have I said to God "If you would grant me just these few things then I would have all I would need." Well that's funny because if I would have all I would need I'd have no need for God. Not exactly the way He's intended it to be. In fact, I think the way He's intended it to be is that all we would need is Him.

But that still leaves a lot of unaswered questions for me. I mean, why the heck would God make all these promises to me (to his people) and yet leave me feeling like he hasn't fulfilled them?

The Already and the Not Yet.

That's where we are living. Christ has Already conquered this world but his Kingdom has Not Yet come. So we're left living in the Gap. (not the clothing store, unfortunately...). We're left living somewhere between this place of reality and the Promises that are already ours.

So what do we do when experience these times of living in the Gap? Often we swing like a pendullum from one response to the other. We go from Dispair--giving up and quitting because we must be doing something wrong to Determination and Moralism--taking things into our hands and doing it in our own strength. In Despair our hope is lowered and we become cynical becaus "it hurts to hope in the face of continual failure." But in Determination we do whatever it takes to fix it because we are convinced that if we push through, try harder, and be more, we will achieve that hope.

But in both of those instances we're turned away from prayer and away from reliance on God. We've either given up or we've decided to do it on our own. And the thing is...maybe God is making us weak. Yeah. Maybe he's making us weak because it's only in our weakness that we have the need to come to him in prayer. "If life is hard, you feel weak, helpless, overwhelmed--stop thinking you're doing something wrong. It just means God is working." Christ longs to be our Father, but to be fathered we have to recognize that we have need that only Christ can meet.

So at this point I'm getting it. But at the same time I'm thinking, "How the heck do I live in the Gap?" And that's the thing...it's only through reliance on Christ and through prayer that I can live contently in the Gap. It's in my weakness that my faith is refined. It's in my weakness that my faith is turned from fake to authentic. It's in my weakness that I don't have to try so hard and prove myself. "Jesus lost his sonship so we could gain ours." Our salvation is secure when we claim Christ's moral record and not our own. I don't have to be an over-the-top, intesnse rule follower. I don't have to have it all figured out. I just have to accept what is already mine through Christ.

So that's where my heart is tonight...I'm longing for God to answer my need and give me all that I ask. But of course, I know that I ask for serpants. A lot. So I'm thankful that He's loving enough to deny me of these things.

And it's a battle. I know that tomorrow morning I'll wake up and all over again I'll be questioning where God is, why my heart is hurting, and when he'll provide the desires of my heart. And all over again I'll have to remind myself to go to him in prayer trusting that His Promise remains and He will provide.

Thanks for reading along, friends.

He is Here

I was recently at a Christian Conference sponsored by the Coalition for Christian Outreach called Jubilee. It's an amazing conference targeted towards college students and young adults about how to live out the Gospel in our vocational callings. Amena Brown, a spoken word artist, was there and spoke a few of her poems. They are incredible. When she said the one below I literally felt God...I felt the Holy Spirit more real than I have in a long time. The words she speaks are full of Truth...listen, and be inspired...

The Face of Love

Yesterday at church I saw it. I've seen it before, I'm sure, but yesterday I truly saw it. Love. All around me. It was almost overwhelming. I suppose it wasn't suddenly that I noticed it as I recall in weeks prior seeing and feeling something truly special about City Church, but I think on Sunday it just clicked.

I think it started when I sat in the auditorium (our church utilizes an auditorium of a local museum as we don't have our own facility) before worship. I was there early because we had had a meeting for kids church helpers before the service. I saw families start to come into the auditorium and it was so amazing to me how other people were so eager to love on their kids and the parents.

During worship I continued to look at the people surrounding me and was just overwhelmed by how obvious love was being spoken. There were a few married couples sitting around me and sure, I know it's typical for married couples to hold hands or to put their arms around each other, but for some reason, it seemed different. When the guy sitting next to me reached over and put his hand on his wife's arm it was so much more than a thoughtless act of holding her hand--it seemed like a true "I'm so in love with you" type act. But yet it was simple. And I see it in so many of the couples in our church. The way I honestly see it is that they are so deeply in love with who Christ is that they only know how to love their wives the way the Bible calls them to love their wives (I'm certainly not saying that they are perfect for I don't know what their marriages are like behind closed doors and I know that naturally there is human failure. I'm purely saying that I see a people who love Jesus so much that it bleeds into their love for people so obviously and clearly).

During this season of Lent, our church has also been partaking in communion every Sunday. As I watched each family filter through the communion line there were two sights that particularly stick in my mind. One family has 2 children who are probably around the age of 12. As they walked through the communion line, each parent took a hold of a child's hand and guided them through the line and pulled them close while partaking in the bread and wine. I don't have adequate words to describe how this instance clearly spoke of love to me, but I just remember feeling overwhelmed with the sight of a family that clearly loves and cares about each other. The other sight I remember is seeing a husband and wife with their infant child walking through to get communion. The mother was holding the small baby and was in front of her husband. The baby was looking over her mother's shoulder at her father who was smiling ear to ear and abounding love for his daughter. The nonverbal communication that was transpiring between this infant and her father was amazing. I could tell that this dad was just head over heels for his daughter and would do anything for her.

Tonight, I think was really the topper on it all. At my small group I once again felt incredibly overwhelmed by love. I've been so stressed with a variety of items lately and have felt such a feeling of staggering discontentment, frustration, and sadness. I arrived at small group in tears tonight just paralyzed with stress. I sat outside in my car for a moment crying and praying. When I felt as though I had gathered myself and rid all evidence of red eyes, I went inside where I was greeted with many warm hugs and an instantaneous knowledge that something was bothering me. A few of us talked for a short couple of minutes before we started our study for the evening. Afterwards I went to leave and got sidetracked in a conversation where I just felt as though my life was being poured into. Sure, all of my same stresses are still present, but now I can rest in the knowledge that there are people praying for me and fighting my battles with me, and mostly, just people loving me and showing me God's love.

*Note: I'm sure that God's love is evident in churches around the world (and many many many places outside of churches), but I just had to write this moment down for my own memory. In this place in my life where I've battled with discontentment and longing, God is hearing my cries and my pleas for love and guidance and has provided a community that undoubtedly is living out the Gospel.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness. Doesn't it seem so simple? You think about being a little kid...you get in a fight with a sibling or a friend, your parents make you say "I'm sorry" and then it's all done and over with, right? And really, it should be that easy...but I don't think it is. Not always. And especially not as we age and time passes. The hurt builds up and although we tell each other "I'm sorry" and "I forgive you" it seems as though we secretly keep score of how many times someone has wronged us. We say we forgive, but we feel the pain. We don't always know how to separate ourselves from the hurt although we try so hard to move on with the relationship (whatever form it is--friends, siblings, dating, family, etc.).

But then...it all changes--our perspective that is. When we open our Bible and begin to read, forgiveness begins to take on a different light. In Matthew 18:21-35, The Parable of the Unmerciful Servant, we see the first servant, who is in more debt than can even be described, given complete pardon--a slate wiped completely clean. And then, we see him turning right around and refusing to give pardon to another servant who's debt is not nearly as great as his own. How painfully true that is in our own lives. Over and over and over again God pardons our sins. He completely forgives us and wipes clean the slate with absolutely no payment needed from us. And then what do we do? We turn to those who owe us and refuse to let it slide. We feel that we are owed. We do this with our forgiveness all the time. We don't want to fully forgive those who have hurt us. We may even go so far as to saying we have forgiven them, but is it ever completely wiped clean? No matter how hard we try, we are humans. We fail at all we do...including forgiveness. We are so incredibly in need of God's grace--even when it comes to just learning to forgive others.

And the real beauty of it all is that when we forgive those who have hurt us, we learn to trust the Lord and his Promise to provide all that we need. When we forgive those who have let us down and disappointed us, we see the Gospel come to life as we find fulfillment, hope, and joy in God's word. Each time we forgive, we are given the opportunity to turn to the Lord to fix the hurt, fill the void, provide for our needs---mostly, just to love us the way that we were designed to be loved and long to be loved. Because, after all, doesn't it seem that all forgiveness relates back to not feeling loved/appreciated/needed/cared for/etc. the way that we believe we deserve to be?

So the answer is, forgive. Forgive and Pray. Pray for the Lord to heal, to remove bitterness, and to provide. Pray that you will learn to trust that the Lord will provide all of these things because He will.

Time, Place, and Purpose

Just taking a moment to realize that God has me here for a purpose.  Regardless of the reasons I chose to stay, it really wasn't me choosing at all.  I know that God is doing incredible things in me and in turn, I really believe that he's using me to build his kingdom in this city.  

I'm thankful.

I'm thankful that my Lord hears me.

I'm thankful that my Lord answers.

I'm thankful that my Lord saves.

I'm thankful that my Lord encamps his army around me.

I'm thankful that my Lord provides all I need and leaves me lacking no good thing.

I'm thankful that my Lord calls me radiant.

I'm thankful that my Lord is close to the broken hearted.

I'm thankful that my Lord save those who are crushed in spirit.

I'm thankful that my Lord is the redeemer.

I'm thankful that my Lord delivers me from all my fears.

I'm thankful that my Lord is.

I pray that you find comfort in our Lord's promise and have no doubt of His claim over you.

Sex God--Part 2

And these are my concluding thoughts on an overly amazing book.

By far the chapter that resonated with me the most was Chapter 5: She Ran Into the Girls' Bathroom. The chapter is about risking love, taking a chance, and sometimes facing rejection--experiencing heartache.

Rob Bell references Genesis 6:6 "Then YHWH (God) was sorry that he had made humankind on earth, and it pained his heart." God gave us the right to choose, and from the beginning we rejected Him. We rejected his law, we rejected his will and ultimately we rejected--and continue to reject--his love. To quote Bell "God takes this giant risk in creating and loving people, and in the process God's heart is broken." (pg 97). What we can learn from this is that if our Creator can take the risk of allowing all mankind to reject him for eternity, we can take the chance to love--not only in the sense of a romantic relationship, but also our enemies, our neighbors, our coworkers, our family, etc.--and risk being rejected. Because honestly, we will be rejected. It's unrealistic to think that our love will be reciprocated 100% of the time. We live in a broken world and because of this we face imperfect love.

Further quoting Bell, "Love is handing your heart to someone and taking the risk that they will hand it back because they don't want it. That's why it's such a crushing ache on the inside. We gave away a part of ourselves and it wasn't wanted." (pg 98) All I have to say to that is--wow.

So then Bell goes on to explain how we can risk loving others:

Contrast this [bullying others to appear strong] with people who appear weak but are actually quite strong. It's when someone says something mean or cutting about us and everything within us wants to one-up them with an even nastier comment in return, thus winning the exchange, but we hold our tongue. We "lose" the round, but what we did took tremendous strength And it would take even more strength to forgive them and then maybe even love them. It would all appear quite weak to the observer, unless they understood that what they were witnessing was actually strength in action. (pg 103)

How incredible counter-cultural is that?!? To turn the other cheek? To hold your tongue? To not defend yourself? How incredibly hard is that. Try it! And then...try LOVING the person that you're trying so hard not to talk bad about.

And now the part that really resonates with me:

This can transform our experience of heartbreak. Instead of being something that distances us from God, causing us to question, "Where are you?" every poem by a lover spurned, every song sung with an ache, every movie with a gut-wrenching scene, every late-night conversation and empty box of Kleenex are glimpses into the life of God. (pg 106)

Our healing begins when we participate in the suffering of God. When we don't avoid it but enter into it, and in the process enter into the life of God. Wen we see our pain not as separating us from but connecting us to our maker. (pg 107)

So wait, hold up here. Is he? Could he be? What Bell's suggesting is that we experience broken hearts in our lifetime so that, maybe, we can gain a slight understanding of the broken heart God is constantly feeling when mankind continually rejects His love. When I think about the heartbreak I've experienced, I realize that surely it must be nothing in comparison to how badly it must hurt to have mankind reject you...generations upon generations rejecting your law, refusing to trust that your way truly is THE way. What pain that must be. So maybe, I can gain a slight understanding of the sadness God felt when the world rejected his Son and sent him to the cross.

And the last one from this chapter, "Our greatest wounds rarely come from strangers." (pg 108). How true that is. The sting of strangers' rejection lasts mere seconds...but the people we really care about...when they choose to reject us or hurt us...that pain lingers and is the hardest to overcome, to forgive, and to love through.

There really is so much more in this book that is truly astounding. Go read the book. Go. And when you're done, let's discuss. I like theological discussions. True story. :)

Sex God

So did that get your attention? I thought so.

I've been reading a book by Rob Bell called Sex God. Bell's claim is that sexuality and spirituality are endlessly connected. And through reading his book and thinking through a lot of his teachings, I see his point. In fact, in the first chapter he explains the purpose of the book pretty clearly:

Sex. God. They're connected. And they can't be
separated. Where the one is, you will always find the other. This s a book
about how sexuality is the "this" and spirituality is the "that." To make sense of
the one, we have to explore the other.

And that is what this book is about.

I'm only about halfway through the book so far, but let me provide you all with some of the points from the book that have really been weighing on my heart and mind lately.

• "When Jesus talks about heaven and hell, they are first and foremost present realities that have serious implications for the future. Either can be invited to earth, right now, through our actions. It's possible for heaven to invade earth. And it's possible for hell to invade earth." (pg 22)--So my thoughts are: What kind of impact am I making? Am I introducing heaven here on earth to people? What kind of witness am I being?
• "Moments when all of the ways that we divide ourselves and rank each other and convince ourselves of how different, better, and unalike we are disappear and we are faced with the fact that first and foremost, we are humans. In this together. And not that much different from each other." (pg 26) Thoughts: How judgemental and insensitive can I be to a person's situation? How often do I fail to place myself in the shoes of others? And how many times do I feel inadequate compared to someone else? How unappreciative have I been of the life that God has given me?
• "We were born into a world, into a condition of disconnection. Things were created to be a certain way, and they're not that way, and we feel it in every fiber of our being...we're severed and cut off and disconnected in a thousand ways, and we know it, we feel it, and we're aware of it every day. It's an ache in our bones that won't go away...Our sexuality, then, has two dimensions. First, our sexuality is our awareness of how profoundly we're severed and cut off and disconnected. Second, our sexuality is all of the ways we go about trying to reconnect."(pg 40) Thoughts: I mean, think about it, how many times do you hear in movies or see on tv something along the lines of 2 individuals talking about how they feel closest when they're having sex. And how much of media is based on sexuality? We're just trying to connect. Because of the broken condition of humanity, we look for connections everywhere besides where we find the one true connection--God. And so undoubtedly, we are left unfulfilled and longing for something more when we fill the desire for connections with meaningless relationships, defining careers, a nonstop social life and more.
• "...we aren't angels and we aren't animals" (pg 64) Thoughts: When we allow ourselves to blame our actions on our animalistic nature, we discredit the order in which God created us. We discredit our ability to think, to reason, to feel, to love, to have any sort of emotion. We discredit our ability to have any say in our actions. But when we allow ourselves to believe we are angels, we are setting ourselves up for failure. For we have humanistic natures and we live in a world of sin. Bell talks about how, as humans, we were created after angels and after animals. As God created the world, he brought it more and more out of chaos. So for us to think we are angels or animals, we are going back towards chaos when we should be moving forward--continuing the creation.
• "Lust promises what it can't deliver...Lust comes from a deep lack of satisfaction with life. This is why we have to slow down and reflect on our lies before we'll ever begin to sort out the significance of this. Lust often starts with a thought somewhere in our head or heart: 'If I had that/him/her/it, then I'd be...' Lust is always built on a lie...Think about the head space we give to things and people we want. it's easy for our thoughts to be dominated by a craving. We're in a meeting, we're taking a walk, were studying, we're doing jobs around the house, and the whole tie our brain is miles away, trying to figure out how to get it...Lust is slavery...But freedom isn't being able to have whatever we crave. Freedom is going without whatever we crave and being fine with it." (pgs 73-75) Thoughts: Oh so many thoughts on this section. It's about so much more than sexual lust. By lusting for anything, whether it be a relationship, a job, a lifestyle, a body type, material goods, etc., we are telling God that what He has given us is not good enough. We are telling him that his plan which is Perfect is not good enough for us. Who are we to tell God it's not good enough??? And by living in lust, we are not allowing ourselves to live fully content lives of purpose. We are distracted from the task at hand by this thing that lurks in the back of our minds. It's a vicious cycle spurred on by our sinful nature, our broken condition, our culture, etc. Our only option to break this cycle, to gain freedom, is to be prayerful in asking God to help us be content and satisfied with what we have--asking for help in overcoming those urges and cravings for something more. Find "something more" in God.

So that's about where I'm at right now. The book has so much to say that I have to continuously go back and skim over sections. And so, go buy the book, start reading, and then start conversing with me about your learnings. Sex. God. Two words you never thought would be connected...until now.