People Pleasing & Communication

I've never really thought of myself much as a people pleaser....not until recently. A few events have happened, some conversations have taken place, and some small group discussions have transpired which have all led me to this conclusion: I'm a HUGE people pleaser.

So that in and of itself may not bet that big of a deal to you all reading this.  You're probably thinking "Okay, so what."  But the more I think about it, the more I realize that it's almost entirely motivated by sin. And, what may be even worse, it often creates more sin.

Let me explain...

Why do I feel a constant necessity to please EVERYONE?  It's simple.  Because I want approval. Sure, it's not a sin to have people like you and even, perhaps, to want people to like you.  Heck, I sure hope that my friends like me.  But I think sin enters the picture when we go to great lengths to gain our identity and approval from people.  I often become so concerned with what people thinking about me and so concerned with gaining their approval that I forget that it doesn't really matter if they like me...it matters that Jesus approves me.  Furthermore, in order to gain approval I find myself sometimes acting outside my character and integrity.  I'll admit that there have been times when I've stretched the truth...okay, fine...I've lied.  Happy now?  All to get people on my side...to get them to like me.  To get them to approve of me.  And obviously that's damaging.  Sure for the obvious reason that lying is WRONG, but also for another reason.  Have you ever told a lie because you didn't want to hurt someone's feelings?  Or maybe more accurately...you didn't want to deal with confrontation and accountability.  I can definitely say that I have.  So I see my brother or sister in Christ doing something that is potentially damaging (spiritually, physically, or mentally) to their well being, but because I think if I "call them out" on it, they won't like me anymore, I don't say anything.  I stay silent.  Or I lie in order to avoid the confrontation.  How selfish is that of me?  To care more about my acceptance and approval of them than their well being.

And I could keep going with this.  I find myself wanting so desperately for people to approve of me that I spend great amounts of time doing things for others and at times ignoring what God is calling me to do.  On the surface it can seem like I'm doing a good thing...I'm helping others.  I'm giving my time.  But the motivation behind it all...it's skewed.  It's down right messed up.  Until I find my motivation coming from Christ, my work serving others is empty. (That could lead into a whole new discussion of faith/works...we can save that for another time).

So how does this tie into communication?  Well, good question.  I've always prided (ha! maybe that's the problem...pride) myself on being a good communicator.  I mean, I did go to 4 years of undergrad for it. :) But today someone pointed out something to me that I realized is so true.  In my effort to please people...to not offend anyone...to keep the peace...the message I'm trying to convey comes across messy and convoluted.  Instead of firmly (but nicely!) allowing my voice to be heard, I hide it behind a jumbled mess of words.  And then, of course, because I'm not heard, I get frustrated which in many cases leads to conflict.  And the thing is, it all started because I was trying to prevent conflict.  I was trying to please all parties. 

So it rarely works.

My people pleasing efforts typically result in me being
exhausted.
frustrated.
sinful.
hurtful.
angry.
upset.
misunderstood.

And typically still without full approval of the people involved.  Typically I find myself still wondering if so-and-so really does like me.

Ridiculous.

Maybe if I rested in the Truth that JESUS loves -- that JESUS, through no work of my own, approves of me -- that JESUS approves of me just as I am...maybe then I could communicate clearly and precisely with people.