God Saw - And He Knew

I've gotten really bad at this blogging thing, eh?  Yeah...been a kajillion billion things I've been doing.

In any case, I felt like it was time to share some of what God's been teaching me.   I'm sure this blog post will only begin to brush the surface of what I'm learning and some of you might not care what God is specifically doing in my life and some of you might think that all of this is a little crazy (maybe you'll think "duh Kristi...you should have known that a long time ago" or maybe even "Um God? Really?  You're crazy").  And all of these things are fine.  I'm sharing in hopes that someone will read this and be able to relate.  I'm sharing this in hopes that when times get hard I'll be able to come back here, read this and be reminded that my Jesus loves me.  I'm sharing this because the truth of Jesus is just far too wonderful not to share.

Anyway, so here it is.

The church I go to is amazing.  I've been there for over 2 1/2 years.  Throughout those 2 1/2 years I've experienced so much and I can't imagine not having the community at City Church to walk through those experiences with.  Another thing that I really love about City Church is their commitment to walking through scripture together, as a church body.  As part of City Bible Reading (CBR), we read a new testament and an old testament passage every day.  Now it's time for me to admit something...Over the past 2 1/2 years, I've rarely done this.  I could give you all of the millions of reasons why, but I won't.  The point is, I typically found better things to do, or would forget, or whatever. But lately, I've been reading....I've been craving it...more and more.  I don't say this to gain recognition or praise from anyone, just to be transparent.

As I've been reading lately, it's been strange because I've felt myself gravitating more and more towards the stories of the Old Testament and quite honestly, typically I have trouble seeing any correlation between those stories and my story.  But the more I read, the more I see how the story of Moses and my story and your story are all intricately related.  Our stories are all part of the larger redemption story.  The story of Moses is just as relevant now as it was then. It's a story of deliverance...of God knowing his people and never forgetting about them.

I think I can feel forgotten sometimes...or a lot of times.  I can't tell you how many times I've yelled at God, asking him if He's forgotten about me.  Begging that He would hear my cries and do something...anything.  There have been times in my life where I've been convinced that God has completely turned his back on me or that He was too busy with far more important things or important people to deal with me.  But as I've been reading through Exodus and the story of Moses and the Israelites, my eyes have been re-opened to the Truth. 

Read these verses from Exodus 2:23-25:

During those many days the king of Egypt died, and the people of Israel groaned because of their slavery and cried out for help. Their cry for rescue from slavery came up to God. And God heard their groaning, and God remembered his covenant with Abraham, with Isaac, and with Jacob. God saw the people of Israel—and God knew.

I get what you might be thinking. "Kristi, you have nothing in common with the Israelites.  They were SLAVES. You have a pretty easy, simple life."  Yeah, I thought that too.  But I think there are more similarities between us (21st century Christians) and the Israelites than we realize.  They were physical slaves to the Egyptians...but we, too, are slaves.  I'm a slave to my idols. I'm a slave to the things of this world.  I'm a slave to anything that distracts me from growing intimately closer to Jesus.  And here it is...my enslavement...and yet here God is, rescuing me.

Exodus 2:25 says "God SAW the people of Israel - and God KNEW." (my emphasis). When the Israelites felt stranded and alone...God SAW.  He KNEW the misery they were in.  He knew their enslavement.  And as the next chapters reveal, He had laid out a plan for the rescue.  From Egypt and ultimately, through Christ's death on the cross, from the depths of Hell.

God never forsakes His people. (Deuteronomy 31:8) He saw the Israelites...he rescued them from enslavement. He sees ME...and He's rescued me from the enslavement of my sins.

So that's my jumbled mess of thoughts...I recently wrote an email to someone and shared this with them:

The Lord is revealing to me that my deepest and most desperate desire is to intimately know Him and I feel like I'm steadily growing to understand what that means.  It's a relief and a joy.  

It's true. I've said it before...I'll never have this thing all figured out, but I'm walking in faith. And God, through his Son, is continuing to rescue me.

Wait, Wait Don't Tell Me and Peter Sagal

So I'm an NPR listener.  It's true.  Does that make me sound old?  Or nerdy?  Or boring?  Or hippy-ish? 

Oh well.

Because I really enjoy listening to it.  Seriously. 

And I know what some people think...that NPR is for liberals.  Meh...that's what I say.  When it comes to politics my opinion is this: I don't care if you're a Republican, Democrat, Libertarian, Tea Party (uhh Tea Partian?), Independent, etc.  All I care about is helping people.  Caring for people.  Doing good.

But I digress...

Back to the point.

I typically listen to NPR before/after work in my car to hear the latest local and world news.  I also really enjoy a few programs they have: "This American Life" with Ira Glass, "Wait, Wait! Don't Tell Me." with Peter Sagal, and "Car Talk" with Click and Clack.  Anyway, I was listening to NPR recently and heard that Peter Sagal was coming to Orlando to talk about his experience with "Wait, Wait! Don't Tell Me."  Immediately I thought that I wanted to go.  So I talked to a friend that I work with who I knew was a huge NPR fan and we made plans to go.

So what did I expect?  I expected to be entertained.  And I was.  Peter Sagal is hilarious and engaging.  He has so many stories to tell that are all very interesting.  So I enjoyed his entire lecture.  At the end of the lecture he answered a few questions.  One woman rambled on for a while and eventually asked something along the lines about raising children and how to teach them about politics.

And this is the part that got me...I mean, I may have teared up a little.

This is when I realized that God is EVERYWHERE.  In EVERY situation.  He uses ALL things for Good.

Peter told this story.  And of course, I'm going to paraphrase.  Peter was on a plane once and was sitting next to an old retired farmer.  The farmer told him that he was going to South America for the 8th time that year to take glasses to impoverished children that didn't have them.  The farmer had told Peter that he watches Fox News exclusively.  Peter could have been quick to jump to the conclusion that the farmer was just "one of those people".  (You know what I mean.  The stereotypically type of person that watches Fox News).  But Peter realized that was unfair.  He realized that as he sat talking to this man, that he was doing more good in the world than he (Peter) was.  Regardless of what the old man's political beliefs were, he was helping those in need.

And that's the point.  We need to quit judging people, writing people off, turning our backs to people that are different from us.  We need to keep the lines of communication open.  When someone begins to judge and condemn we need to stop them.  We get nowhere with hatred.  Nothing gets done when we quit talking.

And the bigger story is this.  We are all capable of good.  Regardless of our political party...regardless of our ethnicity...regardless of our religion...regardless of our nationality....regardless of our economic status.  We are all capable of caring for and loving others.

Oh and the best part about the story.  Peter said that the old man said he was doing the work of God...and Peter said "And you know what, I would agree with him."  And so would I...because the work of God is this...to LOVE.

A Book Review...errr Mention

So, I have a new favorite book.  I recently finished "A Million Miles in a Thousand Years" by Donald Miller (yes the same author who wrote "Blue Like Jazz").  And let's just say, I can't stop thinking about it.  If you haven't read A Million Miles, you need to drop everything you're doing and go get it and start reading it now.  Seriously.

I want to write more about the things that impacted me....and I will, eventually.  But for now, just trust me on this one.  Go. Read.

May you're life be a story that's worth telling, friends.

Who I long to be...

Life has been happening around here.  That's the easiest way to describe things.  Just life.  Ups and downs, good things and bad things....my journey continues on.  And it's beautiful, really, I promise you it is.  Amidst the messiness and craziness, it's a beautiful life.

But I've realized this lately...the burden I carry is heavy.
And I think heavier than necessary. 

I mean, I honestly believe that life is not intended to be easy breezy all the time.  A life like that allows no challenges to grow, opportunities to learn, chances to experience worlds outside the bubbles we create for ourselves.

But I do think there's a middle ground.  And I don't think I've gotten there yet.

For this reason...

I carry the burden alone...at least most of the time.  I carry both the worries and the joys alone.
And who should I share those burdens with?
I don't know if it's a matter of sharing...
...rather, maybe giving.

Maybe I should be giving them over to Christ.  And maybe that's not even a maybe.  Rather, a definite biblical truth.

I spend so much energy worrying.  Even about the joys, even when I'm on a mountaintop.  Worrying about when the valleys will come.  And rarely do I turn to Christ.  Rarely do I give it to Him.

Why?
Easy, lack of faith. I don't believe that He'll take care of it the way I want Him to. I don't believe that He'll respond to my needs in the timing I want Him to.  So I foolishly believe that if I worry and fret about things enough, they'll get better.  Ha! Right. Instead, I end up emotionally (and sometimes physically) exhausted. I start to lead a crippled life because I spend so much time worrying about my circumstances that I am often unable to respond to the people around me.  To care for those I love. I'm consumed with my own life that I have no energy to reach out to others.

Fail. Utter fail on my part.

So who do I long to be?

I long to be a woman of faith who turns first and foremost to her Savior.  Who finds comfort knowing that Christ is in complete and utter control of my life.  Who is okay being in the valley and feeling disappointed because I am confident that my Jesus will rescue me.  I long for a faith that is strong enough to trust that each and every moment and experience....the good and most definitely the challenging, are refining me and making me the girl that God has called me to be.

I long to love Jesus more than I love myself. To trust that He is good and perfect and more capable than I could ever even imagine.

I'm desperately praying for that...

Flags

Brooke Fraser's new album, "Flags", was released recently. It's incredible...seriously, incredible. Go buy it and you'll immediately love it. In the meantime, listen to the song "Flags". So much Truth in this song.

Hymns

I love hymns. Like words can't describe how much I love them. I think there's something incredibly special about them...a connection to the body of Christ from many years ago. There's a comfort knowing that our ancestors who wrote these stunning lyrics loved, struggled, praised, cried, and went through very similar situations as we did during their walk with Christ. And while I value modern worship music, it often lacks the depth and clarity that hymns have in presenting the picture of the gospel. I especially love movements such as Indelible Grace, Red Mountain Music, Sojourn Music, etc that are writing new music to go with hymn lyrics from long ago.

In any case, we sang "Before the Throne of God Above" at church on Sunday. I don't think any other song paints the beauty of the Gospel as well as this song does. This is my ultimate love story. My long awaited fairytale. My Jesus desperately loves me...he has engraved my name on his hand, not just written, engraved. It's permanent. He claims me. I. AM. HIS.


(disregard the images...some of them are kinda strange)

Because a sinless Savior died, My sinful soul is counted free.

Paid the FULL price

I was thinking about this tonight...well, let's be honest...I've been thinking about this for a long time in a variety of ways. For a long while I've been trying to make sense of the law and grace. I've lived a life of legalism for so long that it's become a constant, daily discovery to understand what it means to live by Grace.

So, tonight in particular I was thinking about this idea we have as Christians to "do our best." From my personal experiences, it seems as though we (those who call themselves Christians) have forgotten that Jesus paid the FULL price for our sin. I think we get it stuck in our head that we have to do our absolute best and run as far as we can and then Jesus will pick up the baton and finish the race -- like he makes up the difference. But I don't think that's true. I think, rather, the Gospel speaks to Him taking it all. By claiming His name, we've won the race. I no longer have to "perform" for the world. Rather, I can live and love in His name. He's done it already for ALL of His children. He. Paid. The. FULL. Price.

It still doesn't make entire since to me...I doubt it ever will. But I suppose I'm just kind of tired of hearing people say "Yes Grace, but...". There's no "but". Grace. God's Grace. The Cross. Christ's DEATH for OUR SIN. We have been given NEW life. The Gospel is very clear about that. Claim Jesus as your Savior and the deal is done. There are no other conditions. Why do we make it so complicated?

It Is Well With My Soul

My roommate shared this video with me tonight. I've sung this song a thousand times. And I've always loved it. But I love it even more now that I know the story behind it. Our God is good and loving in all conditions at all times. Hold tight to faith. Cling to the love of Christ.

Selfishness...short and sweet

This'll be a short post. But this has just been running through my mind. I think as part of our human nature we tend to think that our sin only affects ourselves. I think that's evidence of our selfishness, or rather, or self-centerdness (I think maybe I just made that word up). But the reality is, our sin affects the Body of Christ. It affects others. I've been thinking about this as I've been trying to wrap my mind around suffering such as hunger, homelessness, disease, etc. And the reality is, my sin is partially to blame. My lust for material items, my desire for status, my longing for the "American Dream" often comes before my heart for the poor and oppressed. If I were half as desperate to see them redeemed as I were to buy that new pair of shoes, perhaps things would be different. And I know, I can't take the weight of the world on my own shoulders. But I just think it's important that in this selfishness that we live in that we recognize that even when it comes to the affects of our sin we are selfish. Now more than ever do I see the importance of God's Grace. It covers all. I am thankful.

How Jersey Shores Helped Me Understand the Love of Christ

Yep. That's right. Odd, I know. But let me explain (or at least give it a try).

See, I was watching Jersey Shore for the first time tonight (I had only seen some clips of it on comedy shows and such before). And I was watching it I, of course, was a bit shocked. I'll fully admit that I grew up a sheltered girl from the farmlands of the Midwest, but I've since seen quite a bit of the world. And yet, watching Jersey Shores I was still left with my mouth gaping open as the girls bickered about the dumbest things, the boys hooked up with girls they'd met for the first time just hours before, friends failed to stand up and defend each other, etc.

Anyway, I just kind of brushed it off and went on with my night.

Then, as I was taking a shower (because all good thinking happens while in the shower. Fact.), I started thinking about it again. For a long time I've been questioning what it means to be a Believer and what it means to be loved by Christ. And maybe, just maybe this is part of it (because I know I'll never understand the full of it in this lifetime!!). I've been hurting for a while, thinking to myself that if God really loved me that he would fix everything...not just in my life, but in the lives of all His people. But maybe part of being loved by Christ is being aware. I feel as though the more I grow to know Jesus, the more my heart hurts...but I think the reasons my heart hurts changes. My heart hurts less often because someone was mean to me or I didn't get my way and my heart starts hurting more often for the poor, oppressed, and needy. Maybe that's part of what it means to be loved by Christ. I think less of myself and more about what His heart hurts for.

I'm DEFINITELY NOT saying I have it all figured out or that my heart is selfless all the time (heck, even part of the time). But as I watched Jersey Shore tonight and saw the selfish actions, I realized how unaware they are of world around them. They live in a world of finding gratification for themselves no matter what the cost might be to the people around them. I think as we grow to know and love Christ we become aware of the community and world around us. We begin to think about our actions and how they affect others. It may still make little or no sense, but we see it, we respond to it, we attempt to live out love even though we fail miserably.

It's starting to make sense a little bit. This is why we question...to look for answers.

What's Enough?

I read this post on twitter today: "Good news of Gospel of Christ is not if you follow him everything will go well, good news is you get him & he's enough!" via @prodigaljohn

And here was my succession of thoughts:

1. YES! So true!
2. Wait, what?
3. C'mon, can that be any more vague.
4. Okay, what the heck does it mean to be "enough"?
5. Ugh, I hate abstract things.

Yep, that's basically how it went.

But really, I think that's a valid question. That's all great and good and wonderful to say that we get Christ and He's enough, but what does that mean for him to be enough? Sure I can say in my life that He's enough and He'll never let me go hungry, or thirsty, and He'll provide for all my needs because I'm more valuable than the lily in the valley. Blah blah blah.

But try that on the hungry kid. The orphan in Africa. The woman who has just been raped. Yeah, try that on them.

That's where I keep getting caught up. If God is God and He is enough than why can't He stinkin feed the hungry. Why can't he prevent children from being sold into the sex trade? Why can't he prevent innocent women from being victimized by rape? Why can't he feed the millions of people who go to bed hungry? Why can't he provide clean water for all his people? WHY?

What does it mean for Christ to be enough for those people?

And I get it...our ultimate home is not here, but in heaven. But if that's the case, then why don't we just get to peace out once we become believers and go chill in heaven? Why the suffering here?

Sometimes it just doesn't make sense to me. But you know what...I think I finally know what people meant when they said that going to Africa would change me forever. Not a day goes by now that I don't ask these questions and think of the children I left behind there.

Being a follower of Jesus is anything but easy. The hardest thing I do every day is try to make sense of it all. And I don't mean to be negative...just looking for answers. If anyone's got them, I'm ready to hear 'em.

Some days there are tears...

My Monday came with a lot of tears. As I sit here typing this on the verge of tears again, I'm surprised that I have any left to cry. I've been in prayer today constantly yelling at God to FRIEKING SHOW UP already. I know, I know. He's here. But the immature believer in me wants some stinking evidence.

Okay let me rehash my day.

It started like this. I walked outside to go to work, looked down, and saw that my front tire was nearly flat. I decided I could drive the approximately 3 miles to the shop on it and have them take a look. I got there and the guy tells me that the tire is not salvageable and will need replaced. Lovely. So I leave my car there and walk to work. As I'm texting my dad while walking to work he tells me that I need to replace 2 tires then for alignment purposes. Awesome. So about 3 hours later the shop calls me and tells me all 4 tires need replaced because they're dry rotted. Wonderful. Bye, bye $500.

I know, I know. It's not that big of a deal.

But you know what? It is. Why? Because it was the topper on the crap I feel like I've been buried under and working through the past several months.

And as I tried my hardest to pray through it today, all I kept coming back to is WHERE ARE YOU GOD? If this is the picture of the Gospel that I'm supposed to be sharing with others, it kinda sucks.

I felt like today was another damper on me trying to open doors to my dreams. I had gone to look at dSLR cameras this weekend and started to price them out and got excited about pursuing that and then out of the no where, I have to spend money that I was saving for that on my car.

It's just frustrating. And it just led me to start question everything.

It's like, c'mon God, can you cut me a break on this one?

I guess I just find myself caught between what I know is True and what Satan tries to trick me into thinking. I know that the reality is that God IS present. He HAS shown up and he will KEEP showing up. But I don't know what that looks like. At least not all the time. And definitely not during times like this when I feel like I'm struggling to keep afloat.

I know the trick that Satan is playing on me is to question what I've done wrong to deserve this crap to deal with. I find myself asking "Is this what life is supposed to be? Should I just accept it and move forward living a nominal existence?" So really, I guess that's a double trick. Because 1) I haven't done anything wrong to deserve THIS...or rather, I've done everything wrong and I don't deserve ANYTHING. But God in His abundant love is saving me constantly from more than I can imagine (I'll be honest, even as I type this I'm struggling to see what God's love looks like). And 2) Satan's trying to trick me into settling. To giving up on what I feel called to. To living a nominal, mediocre existence.

I see people with the lives that I want and I find myself thinking "They must be more faithful than I am. God has rewarded them because they read their Bible every day, tithe, volunteer, pray constantly, etc." And then I feel this sudden urge to stop everything I'm doing and simultaneously read my Bible, pray, and help the needy all at once in an effort to become more holy and therefore earn God's favor and then He will give me my heart's desires.

So you can see where the tears come in...I think they're more tears of frustration because I know that junk isn't true. I can't earn God's favor. But then I'm frustrated because I'm left here wondering how much longer I'll have to struggle through this pain and confusion that I feel. How much longer will I have to live with this strong discontentment?

Nothing seems fair. Here, Lord, am I trying to be your good and faithful servant asking not for money, fame or riches, but for a life full of meaning and purpose and I feel like you're withholding those things from me. Aren't those good and holy things to long for? So why do they feel like they are being withheld? And then I see non-believers, cheats, liars living it up, going on luxurious vacations, living in huge mansions, buying expensive clothes and cars. Come on God! Why don't you put them in their place? (Hello, Judgmental Kristi)

I want it to make sense. I want it to be fair. I want justice. I want the homeless family to be clothed and fed. I want the orphans to have a family. I want the sick to be healthy. I want the thirsty to never have to thirst again (in the most literal sense...I want them to have water).

Why does it all seem so frieking unfair? This is when I find myself shouting, yelling at God: FRIEKING SHOW UP already. In my life. In their life. In your children's lives.

And all that I keep coming back to tonight as I yell and scream and cry is gratitude. Thankful that my Father is okay with me throwing this tantrum. Thankful that as day in and day out I try to make sense of this sinful world that I'm living in, He's okay that I get mad and I get angry and I get upset.

Yeah, I'm still frustrated. And as I type this, tears are pouring out and my heart is even more confused than when I started. But I have faith that God is sitting here with me amidst my sin, loving me in ways that I don't understand or comprehend, as I try to figure it all out.

Sometimes it's just hard

I'm in a place of mixed emotions right now. There are so many things I have to be thankful for right now and I can consciously count my blessings and give praise to God for all that he's given me.

But there's a part of me that feels like this Faith thing is really, really hard lately.
My brain gets it.
Mostly.
I mean, I grew up knowing it.
I get that part.

But then there's the part of my brain and my heart that doesn't get it. It's like I want to go back to the innocent childlike faith that I had before I started asking questions and seeking answers.

That life was easy.

The rules were to follow God's commandments, be a good little girl, and Jesus would love me. But I suppose the reality of that childlike faith that I had was that it wasn't the true Gospel.

The faith I had as a child and honestly, even all the way through high school, and most of college was a faith that was dependent on what I did.
It was dependent on my good behavior,
on my church involvement,
on my volunteer activities,
on my obedience to my parents and my teachers and all elders, etc.

As I write this I see how harsh that sounds, but the reality is that it was simple. Everything was very black and white.
Sure, I was failing...but in comparison to most of the world, I wasn't failing that bad.
I listened to my parents most of the time,
I got good grades,
I never drank,
I never swore,
I was nice to people,
I never got in any major trouble.
You get the idea.

But the reality is, whether I wanted to admit it then or even admit it now, I was still failing.
I told white lies,
I was sinful when I could hide it and get away with it,
I cut corners on occasion to get good grades,
I fought with my parents and disrespected them a lot,
I was nice to people's faces but would talk crap behind their backs.
Once again, you get the idea.

And then one day - I can't pinpoint the date, unfortunately - I realized that what I had always assumed to be the Gospel wasn't true at all.
What I had always assumed it took to be saved was these "values" that I had.
Be a good girl.
That would save me.
And that would save my friends and classmates, too.
If they would just quit getting trashed and stop cussing, then they'd be a real Christian. Obviously.

But how very, very misled I was.
It didn't matter how good I was, I would never, ever, ever be good enough to deserve salvation on my own. My good deeds and good reputation where not even on the radar of being close to earning me salvation. I heard the True Gospel: Christ's death on the cross has earned me salvation. Nothing I have done or could ever do will ensure me a place in Heaven. My only assurance is that Christ took my place. His inheritance is my reward. And what I really deserve, death, is what he took in my place.

And maybe that's why I'm struggling...and maybe I'll struggle my whole life.

Because it seems so simple...
really, it does...
but then it also seems so hard.
If it's not black and white anymore, what is it?
What's it look like to be a believer?

And you know what's worse? Sometimes I find myself still living in that world of black and white even though I know it's wrong. Or criticizing those believers that live in that world of black and white--like that's any better!

I crave rules...I want rules...I don't know how to handle this whole Free Grace and Free Love thing.
I didn't do anything...why do I get it?!?
Nothing is free. That doesn't make sense in this world I live in.
It's like I'm shouting to God "Okay, what's the catch, mister. What do you want of me? This can't be free. There's no way you just wipe my sin away. Don't believe it. I bet you're holding a secret grudge. You're keeping tally of my sin, aren't you? You're going to bring it back up someday, aren't you?"

I have so much trouble believing that really truly and honestly IT'S FREE.
God's Grace is Free.
I don't have to do anything...I just have to believe it and accept it.

So now I'm back to this gray area.

And that only touches the surface.

All I know is that I've lived for 25 years knowing how to "look" Christian and I'm just kind of over it. Saying the right words and doing the right things ultimately doesn't really matter. The one thing that is still very, very clear to me is that Christ has called his followers to love as He first loved us.

So as I try to figure out the rest of this crazy mess in my heart and in my head, I'm going to start with that.

I'll continue to love....
but not with these boundaries that I set up (i.e. to love only those who act like me and follow the same "rules" as me and have the same "values" as me).
I'll love with reckless abandonment...
trusting the Lord to lead my ways.

Welcome to the messy parts of my heart.

What Matters More

So I've kind of gotten out of the habit of blogging, not because I don't have things on my mind, but because I have SO MUCH on my mind that I don't know where to start. And I don't feel like I have the words to express.

Anyway, I'm back. For today at least. And I'm loving this song by Derek Webb. I'm a huge fan. He calls it like he sees it. He's blunt. There's issues in the Christian Church that aren't being addressed, but he's addressing them...or at least bringing attention to them. Controversial? Definitely. But I'm learning that real faith is something that we have to wrestle with. We should constantly be questioning ourselves, our beliefs, our actions, our words. We have to in order to grow.

With all that said, listen to this song. It's from his album that came out last year, I believe. Yes, the lyrics are explicit. I'm okay with that. And yes, the issue is a touchy one. I'm okay with that, too. I'm interested in hearing your thoughts on it. What are your thoughts on the topic? Let's dialogue. :)

What Matters More, by Derek Webb

You say you always treat people like you like to be
I guess you love being hated for your sexuality
You love when people put words in your mouth
'Bout what you believe, make you sound like a freak

'Cause if you really believe what you say you believe
You wouldn't be so damn reckless with the words you speak
Wouldn't silently consent when the liars speak
Denyin' all the dyin' of the remedy

Tell me, brother, what matters more to you?
Tell me, sister, what matters more to you?

If I can tell what's in your heart by what comes out of your mouth
Then it sure looks to me like being straight is all it's about
It looks like being hated for all the wrong things
Like chasin' the wind while the pendulum swings

'Cause we can talk and debate until we're blue in the face
About the language and tradition that he's comin' to save
Meanwhile we sit just like we don't give a shit
About 50,000 people who are dyin' today

Tell me, brother, what matters more to you?
Tell me, sister, what matters more to you?

Knowing His Strength

When I listen to music, I usually become obsessive about a song or an album until I listen to it so much that I wear it out. I've gotten to that point with an album that was just released last week. Everyone should drop everything they're doing (okay...finish reading my blog post, first) and go download Audrey Assad's album "The House You're Building". Seriously, this might be one of the best albums I've listened to in the past few years. Her lyrics are incredibly insightful and pull at the strings of the heart. And her voice is amazing. Go to itunes now and buy it.

Anyway, she has a song on the album called "Run Forward" that I listen to multiple times a day. And there's a line in it, in particular, that I've really been thinking about over the past few days. It keeps coming back to me. She sings "You made me afraid, thank you. I've gotta thank you. Because now I know His strength." And the more I've meditated on that the more I've come to realize how true it is in my life. So often I find myself dwelling on the bad things in life, on the hard moments, on the things that make me sad, frustrated, confused, afraid. But as I stop to think about it I realize how far God has brought me from those things. How in absolutely every instance He has shown His presence (not always in ways I've expected) and made Himself known.

In 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 it says:

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

We experience the power of Christ in our weakness. When we are strong we find ourselves relying on Him less and less. So as I reflect over the past 7 months of this year so far, I'm thankful for the hardships that have been tossed my way. I'm thankful that I have witnessed the power of Christ working in my own life. I've witnessed His healing grace, His neverending love. And of course, I'm also thankful for all the good times in life...they are all the more sweeter as I see now that they are a gift from my savior.

Anyway, listen to the song. And of course, buy the album.

Sharing the table

I've been reading "The Ragamuffin Gospel" (although admittedly not very regularly), and as I've expected along the way, it's pouring Truth into my life. It's hard Truth, but refreshing Truth. Anyway, tonight when I was reading I found something that really resonated with me. Brennan Manning began to explain how meaningful it was that Jesus sat down to dinner with people--with sinners--with the lowly. Not only did he sit down to dinner with the lowliest of the low, but he invited them to dinner. This wasn't just a simple act of kindness, this was a special invitation. He explains that in first-century Palestinian Judaism it was illegal to associate with people in different social classes meaning that dinner was definitely out of the question. Christ shook the very foundation -- the law -- that society at that time was built on.

Manning goes on to share this:

In the Near East, to share a meal with someone is a guarantee of peace, trust, fraternity, and forgiveness--the shared table symbolizes a shared life. An Orthodox Jew's saying "I would like to have dinner with you" is a metaphor that imples, "I would like to enter into friendship with you." Even today an American Jew will share a doughnut and a cup of coffee with you, but to extend a dinner invitation is to say, "Come to my mikdash me-at, the miniature sanctuary of my dining room table, where we will celebrate the most sacred and beautiful experience that life affords--friendship." That is what Zacchaeus heard when Jesus called him down from the sycamore tree, and that is why Jesus' practice of table fellowship caused hostile comment from the outset of His ministry.

For some reason, I just really love this picture. Like that's what it really means to feast at the table of Christ. To share in communion with fellow believers. To break bread together in community. To share life together.

One of my absolute favorite things in the entire world is conversation with a friend while enjoying a good meal. And now I think I understand a little bit why that's always been such a comfort to my soul and something I look forward to. I think it's because that's what Christ intended community to be. To invite people into every aspect of our lives.

But as I type this I'm convicted of who I bring to my table. Yes, I bring my friends, my brothers and sisters in Christ, to my table. And I believe that's good. We need community. We need those special bonds and relationships. But the thing is, Christ didn't just invite the disciples and his family to share the table with him. He invited the lowliest of the low to his table. Am I putting up a wall around my table? How can I let others in...not just to have dinner with me, but to have a relationship with me? How do I have community with the marginalized? And not just charity/pity relationship, but real and honest community? How do I love the way Christ loved?

Rich Young Ruler

Listened to this song a couple of times...it's convicting. Stuff that I'm dealing with right now. How do I make my ideal of life collide with what I feel God calling in my heart? How do I live in this world but not be of this world? How do I have authentic compassion for people...to not volunteer, go to church, do missions, etc. because I want people to think well of me? How do I truly love Jesus with all that I am and trust Him with everything I am and have faith that endures?

Faithful in weakness

If you read my last post (yes the one before the 2 videos...although those are funny and not to be missed!), you would have quickly found out that I've been pretty angry with God lately. I like to think that my anger with God has just been in the past few weeks, but if I'm to be completely honest, I've felt some bitterness towards him for quite a while. Sure, it comes and goes, but I think that it's been there for a while--just sometimes hidden by other things.

So today it would be suffice to say that I wasn't all that stoked about going to church. I had decided last night that I definitely wasn't going to the morning service and I was going to take advantage of sleeping in (of course, whenever I plan to sleep in, I can't and I was up far earlier than was planned...but I digress). So this afternoon rolls around and I decide that I'm going to go downtown to this coffee shop/cafe that I really like to work on some things that I've been needing to do for a while (ahem...write follow up letters for Africa...ahem). My friend Angela meets me there for dinner and at this point I'm still somewhat contemplating skipping evening church and just staying at the cafe. Well since Angela was with me, I kind of felt like I had to go to church....so I did. And now I'm sitting here thankful that I went. During the whole service I felt like God was having a private conversation with my heart--speaking directly to the questions that I've been asking for a very, very long time.

Anyways...let's see if I can put this down in a somewhat comprehensible form.

Recently, someone told me that sometimes my faith can seem kind of over-the-top. I remember looking at that person and saying "Huh. That's funny. Because I've been faking it. For a while." And I was being completely honest. I had come to a point where the gospel no longer felt alive to me. I was feeling (and to be honest, many days still battling these feelings) that God had abandoned me and that no matter what I did, it wasn't good enough.

And I'm still battling with all of this. Daily. Hourly. From the moment I wake up until the moment I go to sleep.

But I want to quit faking it. I want to be authentic. So here it is. Take it for what it's worth...maybe it'll still be "over-the-top" for you. But for me, this is real. This is admitting that I struggle. That sometimes I fake it because I don't know what else to do.

So how does that tie into tonight's service? Well...I'm getting there...I think. (It might take me a while...so bear with me. Grab a coffee. Settle back. Take it all in.)

It started with singing tonight. I've found that I connect in two very distinct ways...through music and imagery. And music has always been my favorite part of worship. So we start singing "This is My Father's World" and I remember one line in particular sticking out to me: "This is my Father's world, why should my heart be sad?" I remember thinking, "Gosh. How true is that? If this is my Father's world, then I have no reason to be sad. He has already claimed victory." But of course, life is hard sometimes and knowing that Christ has already claimed victory doesn't always seem to make up for the sadness and pain we experience.

So then we move on to some other songs until finally we started singing "Lord Have Mercy." I've sang this song a thousand times. But tonight it felt like it was my anthem.

"Jesus I've forgotten the words that You have spoken,
Promises that burned within my heart have now grown dim.
With a doubting heart I follow the paths of earthly wisdom.
Forgive me for my unbelief, renew my heart again.

Lord have mercy, Christ have mercy, Lord have mercy on me."

And I just sat there, soaking it all in. The struggles have seemed so strong that in the midst of it all, I've forgotten the Promise that is already mine. The passion that drives my heart is gone. And I feel so in need (and so thankful) for the Lord's mercy. That he hasn't given up on me and that he won't give up on me.

So we're not even to the sermon and I'm already feeling immensley overwhelmed with Truth.

And then our guest pastor/speaker gets up to deliver the sermon. I begin to zone out a bit until he starts to mention things about prayer and anxiety. And then with my interest sparked he goes on to speak the Truth that my heart has been longing to hear. And I'm also convicted of several things. First he tells us that we often feel anxious because "we don't believe the truth of God's fatherhood that's presented to us in the Gospel." We don't see God as a loving father so instead we live like orphans having to prove ourselves.

Sidenote: The verses that were being covered were Matthew 6:9-14 and Matthew 7:7-11. Chapter 6 is the Lord's Prayer and Chapter 7 is the verses about asking, seeking and knocking and it will be given to you and the verses about how if your son asked you for bread would you give him a stone? Of course not, so how much more will God provide. Okay back to the story...(and this is me paraphrasing what I heard tonight and what I was thinking while hearing it. I wish I were this wise to come up with this on my own. But I'm not.)

So of course at this point I'm sitting there thinking..."Okay, so the verses say that if I ask it will be given to me, if I seek I will find, and if I knock the doors will be open, so why the heck don't I have anything I've asked for and why the heck do I feel so stinkin' abandoned by you God?"

And then the pastor says this: So the verses say that if we ask for fish we won't be given a serpent (we'll be given fish, of course), but what if what we ask for sometimes is a serpant? Of course God is not going to grant us a request that would put us in danger. What if what we're asking for seems like a good thing, but in reality would be nurturing in us a love for worldly things and leading us away from faith and into self reliance and unbelief.

Wow. Hmm. Yep. It's starting to come together for me. How many times have I said to God "If you would grant me just these few things then I would have all I would need." Well that's funny because if I would have all I would need I'd have no need for God. Not exactly the way He's intended it to be. In fact, I think the way He's intended it to be is that all we would need is Him.

But that still leaves a lot of unaswered questions for me. I mean, why the heck would God make all these promises to me (to his people) and yet leave me feeling like he hasn't fulfilled them?

The Already and the Not Yet.

That's where we are living. Christ has Already conquered this world but his Kingdom has Not Yet come. So we're left living in the Gap. (not the clothing store, unfortunately...). We're left living somewhere between this place of reality and the Promises that are already ours.

So what do we do when experience these times of living in the Gap? Often we swing like a pendullum from one response to the other. We go from Dispair--giving up and quitting because we must be doing something wrong to Determination and Moralism--taking things into our hands and doing it in our own strength. In Despair our hope is lowered and we become cynical becaus "it hurts to hope in the face of continual failure." But in Determination we do whatever it takes to fix it because we are convinced that if we push through, try harder, and be more, we will achieve that hope.

But in both of those instances we're turned away from prayer and away from reliance on God. We've either given up or we've decided to do it on our own. And the thing is...maybe God is making us weak. Yeah. Maybe he's making us weak because it's only in our weakness that we have the need to come to him in prayer. "If life is hard, you feel weak, helpless, overwhelmed--stop thinking you're doing something wrong. It just means God is working." Christ longs to be our Father, but to be fathered we have to recognize that we have need that only Christ can meet.

So at this point I'm getting it. But at the same time I'm thinking, "How the heck do I live in the Gap?" And that's the thing...it's only through reliance on Christ and through prayer that I can live contently in the Gap. It's in my weakness that my faith is refined. It's in my weakness that my faith is turned from fake to authentic. It's in my weakness that I don't have to try so hard and prove myself. "Jesus lost his sonship so we could gain ours." Our salvation is secure when we claim Christ's moral record and not our own. I don't have to be an over-the-top, intesnse rule follower. I don't have to have it all figured out. I just have to accept what is already mine through Christ.

So that's where my heart is tonight...I'm longing for God to answer my need and give me all that I ask. But of course, I know that I ask for serpants. A lot. So I'm thankful that He's loving enough to deny me of these things.

And it's a battle. I know that tomorrow morning I'll wake up and all over again I'll be questioning where God is, why my heart is hurting, and when he'll provide the desires of my heart. And all over again I'll have to remind myself to go to him in prayer trusting that His Promise remains and He will provide.

Thanks for reading along, friends.

Anger, Judgement, Grace, and Love

I'm not going to lie. I've been pretty pissed with God lately. Am I allowed to say that? I think so. I mean, I've tried the whole "let's only offer up joy and thanksgiving" to God thing for a long time. And you know what? I think that's pretty fake. Because let's be honest, life isn't always easy. While challenges help us to grow and become the children that God desires for us to be, they can be difficult and painful. And I think we're led to believe as Christians that we can't have pain, we can't have struggles and we certainly can't publicly show that pain and struggles. But that's so fake. We live in a fallen, broken world. We will sin. And we'll try not to, and we'll fall to it again. And so I've decided I'm done with all of that. While there certainly is a time for joy and thanksgiving and while I know I'm incredibly blessed, right now the emotion that I'm dealing with is pain, hurt, and anger. I'm angry that God feels distant. I'm angry that it seems as though God refuses to listen to my prayers. I'm angry that it felt like God led me down this path and then peaced out on me.

But tonight...suddenly...I felt like he sent me a small sign that He hasn't peaced out. I felt relief...finally. Relief that He hadn't given up on me like I had given up on him.

See, here's how it all went down. Earlier in the day I was looking at some twitter updates...no, no, no...let's back up. In the past few days and maybe even the past week I've started to feel convicted a lot about how I pass judgement and condemnation on people very unfairly. I'm quick to call out faults in others all the while blinded to my own sin. I desire perfection (which in and of itself is likely a sin since I'm surely seeing this as an idol in my life), but I measure perfection according to worldly standards. If the world...even if it's the evangelical Christian world, expects for Christians to act and be a certain way, then I need to live up to that expectation. And everyone who is in relationship and/or community with me needs to live up to that expectation, too. Except, what does that create? It creates this big charade of people pretending like they've got their act together. It creates this entity of people claiming to be Christians but not fully benefiting of what it means to be a follower of Jesus. Jesus doesn't call us to have our act together and to be sinless. If that were the case, His death on the cross would be entirely insignificant and pointless. Rather, by following Christ we reap His reward...we are sanctified in Him. Our sins are wiped away (yes, even the ones that we commit over and over and over again) and we are able to experience true grace and true love. But we have to be honest and transparent with ourselves and our community to reap the full benefits of Christ's love for us. We have to be willing to admit our sins and our struggles and our imperfections...and our community needs to withhold condemnation b/c it's certainly not their place. Our community needs to extend love, mercy, and grace.

So, that's the battle that's been going on in my heart. I feel like I owe so many people apologies for judging and condemning them rather than extending unconditional love to them.

Anyways, back to where I felt God speaking to me again...so last night a friend of mine had made a statement on Twitter about how as Christians we should be cautious to make statements as to what does and does not glorify God (ie cautious to pass judgment). Then today I saw someone else Twitter about a blog post they had written about this very topic. Seeing as it was something that I had battling in my heart recently, I decided to read it. (You can find the blog post here). It really confirmed what God had already begun to speak into my heart. So fast forward to tonight. I'm at Small Group when our leader says we're going to discuss that day's City Bible Reading (my church has a daily Bible Reading schedule that everyone in the church follows). Well, since I've been pretty pissed at God lately, I've decided not to read my Bible (yes...GASP!) because clearly that'll show him that I mean business. So I open the Bible to the passage that we're going to cover and wouldn't you know...I actually had read it...by accident...earlier that day in the blog post. We were discussing 1 Corinthians 6:1-12 and what it meant not to be judgmental and condemning, but rather, what it would look like if we extended mercy to those in our lives.

Crazy. It's clear to me that God is orchestrating this all. To place this conviction upon my heart and then to have it show up so obviously in my life. It opened my eyes not only to the ways that I've sinned against others (by not showing love and grace and mercy) but also to the fact that God is clearly not giving up on me even though I've given up on him for a while. He hears my cries and He is reminding me that He's listening. I still confidently believe that God desires for us to be honest with him and convey to him when we're sad, upset, or even angry b/c it's only in this way that he can heal us of our brokeness so that we can lift up our joys and our praise to him.

Have any thoughts to share?

Brokeness

This afternoon I had some good, quality conversation with my friend Angela as we took a walk in the Florida sunshine (yep, it's still 80 degrees here...in NOVEMBER!!!). We were discussing a variety of things when our conversation turned to the topic of brokeness. I hear talk of brokeness a lot, but typically it's in the context that we live in a broken world and to me that translates to there is poverty and injustice and no matter what we do to help, those things will all exist until the coming of the new heavens and the new earth. However, as Angela and I talked about it, I realized that it goes a lot deeper than that. Brokeness affects each and every one of us at a very personal level. Whether we admit it or not, every relationship that we have is broken--even the ones that we think are healthy and good. Yes, even those relationships are broken in some way. We are broken, sinful people and it affects the way we love and relate to others. It is only by the blood of Christ that we are able to experience love through others. It's only because Christ lives in us that we are able to love others and be loved. But I think, that at times, it's good to be reminded that we live in a broken world and we are a broken people.

Personally, I know I expect a lot out of relationships (with family, friends, etc) and when I'm disappointed I have a tendency to do a couple of things. First, I want to blame the people who have failed to love me how I feel I should be loved. And I want to do this without understanding the brokeness that they are experiencing in their own lives. Second, I find myself wanting to replace those broken relationships with other relationships that seem to be whole. But the truth of the matter is this--even those "replacement" relationships are broken.

Do any of my thoughts make sense?

I'm definitely not saying that relationships aren't good things. In fact, I believe that God calls us to relational communities. I just think it's good for us to remember that relationships will never be perfect and that we need Christ to bring healing.

If you have thoughts on this, please share. :)