People Pleasing & Communication

I've never really thought of myself much as a people pleaser....not until recently. A few events have happened, some conversations have taken place, and some small group discussions have transpired which have all led me to this conclusion: I'm a HUGE people pleaser.

So that in and of itself may not bet that big of a deal to you all reading this.  You're probably thinking "Okay, so what."  But the more I think about it, the more I realize that it's almost entirely motivated by sin. And, what may be even worse, it often creates more sin.

Let me explain...

Why do I feel a constant necessity to please EVERYONE?  It's simple.  Because I want approval. Sure, it's not a sin to have people like you and even, perhaps, to want people to like you.  Heck, I sure hope that my friends like me.  But I think sin enters the picture when we go to great lengths to gain our identity and approval from people.  I often become so concerned with what people thinking about me and so concerned with gaining their approval that I forget that it doesn't really matter if they like me...it matters that Jesus approves me.  Furthermore, in order to gain approval I find myself sometimes acting outside my character and integrity.  I'll admit that there have been times when I've stretched the truth...okay, fine...I've lied.  Happy now?  All to get people on my side...to get them to like me.  To get them to approve of me.  And obviously that's damaging.  Sure for the obvious reason that lying is WRONG, but also for another reason.  Have you ever told a lie because you didn't want to hurt someone's feelings?  Or maybe more accurately...you didn't want to deal with confrontation and accountability.  I can definitely say that I have.  So I see my brother or sister in Christ doing something that is potentially damaging (spiritually, physically, or mentally) to their well being, but because I think if I "call them out" on it, they won't like me anymore, I don't say anything.  I stay silent.  Or I lie in order to avoid the confrontation.  How selfish is that of me?  To care more about my acceptance and approval of them than their well being.

And I could keep going with this.  I find myself wanting so desperately for people to approve of me that I spend great amounts of time doing things for others and at times ignoring what God is calling me to do.  On the surface it can seem like I'm doing a good thing...I'm helping others.  I'm giving my time.  But the motivation behind it all...it's skewed.  It's down right messed up.  Until I find my motivation coming from Christ, my work serving others is empty. (That could lead into a whole new discussion of faith/works...we can save that for another time).

So how does this tie into communication?  Well, good question.  I've always prided (ha! maybe that's the problem...pride) myself on being a good communicator.  I mean, I did go to 4 years of undergrad for it. :) But today someone pointed out something to me that I realized is so true.  In my effort to please people...to not offend anyone...to keep the peace...the message I'm trying to convey comes across messy and convoluted.  Instead of firmly (but nicely!) allowing my voice to be heard, I hide it behind a jumbled mess of words.  And then, of course, because I'm not heard, I get frustrated which in many cases leads to conflict.  And the thing is, it all started because I was trying to prevent conflict.  I was trying to please all parties. 

So it rarely works.

My people pleasing efforts typically result in me being
exhausted.
frustrated.
sinful.
hurtful.
angry.
upset.
misunderstood.

And typically still without full approval of the people involved.  Typically I find myself still wondering if so-and-so really does like me.

Ridiculous.

Maybe if I rested in the Truth that JESUS loves -- that JESUS, through no work of my own, approves of me -- that JESUS approves of me just as I am...maybe then I could communicate clearly and precisely with people.

God Saw - And He Knew

I've gotten really bad at this blogging thing, eh?  Yeah...been a kajillion billion things I've been doing.

In any case, I felt like it was time to share some of what God's been teaching me.   I'm sure this blog post will only begin to brush the surface of what I'm learning and some of you might not care what God is specifically doing in my life and some of you might think that all of this is a little crazy (maybe you'll think "duh Kristi...you should have known that a long time ago" or maybe even "Um God? Really?  You're crazy").  And all of these things are fine.  I'm sharing in hopes that someone will read this and be able to relate.  I'm sharing this in hopes that when times get hard I'll be able to come back here, read this and be reminded that my Jesus loves me.  I'm sharing this because the truth of Jesus is just far too wonderful not to share.

Anyway, so here it is.

The church I go to is amazing.  I've been there for over 2 1/2 years.  Throughout those 2 1/2 years I've experienced so much and I can't imagine not having the community at City Church to walk through those experiences with.  Another thing that I really love about City Church is their commitment to walking through scripture together, as a church body.  As part of City Bible Reading (CBR), we read a new testament and an old testament passage every day.  Now it's time for me to admit something...Over the past 2 1/2 years, I've rarely done this.  I could give you all of the millions of reasons why, but I won't.  The point is, I typically found better things to do, or would forget, or whatever. But lately, I've been reading....I've been craving it...more and more.  I don't say this to gain recognition or praise from anyone, just to be transparent.

As I've been reading lately, it's been strange because I've felt myself gravitating more and more towards the stories of the Old Testament and quite honestly, typically I have trouble seeing any correlation between those stories and my story.  But the more I read, the more I see how the story of Moses and my story and your story are all intricately related.  Our stories are all part of the larger redemption story.  The story of Moses is just as relevant now as it was then. It's a story of deliverance...of God knowing his people and never forgetting about them.

I think I can feel forgotten sometimes...or a lot of times.  I can't tell you how many times I've yelled at God, asking him if He's forgotten about me.  Begging that He would hear my cries and do something...anything.  There have been times in my life where I've been convinced that God has completely turned his back on me or that He was too busy with far more important things or important people to deal with me.  But as I've been reading through Exodus and the story of Moses and the Israelites, my eyes have been re-opened to the Truth. 

Read these verses from Exodus 2:23-25:

During those many days the king of Egypt died, and the people of Israel groaned because of their slavery and cried out for help. Their cry for rescue from slavery came up to God. And God heard their groaning, and God remembered his covenant with Abraham, with Isaac, and with Jacob. God saw the people of Israel—and God knew.

I get what you might be thinking. "Kristi, you have nothing in common with the Israelites.  They were SLAVES. You have a pretty easy, simple life."  Yeah, I thought that too.  But I think there are more similarities between us (21st century Christians) and the Israelites than we realize.  They were physical slaves to the Egyptians...but we, too, are slaves.  I'm a slave to my idols. I'm a slave to the things of this world.  I'm a slave to anything that distracts me from growing intimately closer to Jesus.  And here it is...my enslavement...and yet here God is, rescuing me.

Exodus 2:25 says "God SAW the people of Israel - and God KNEW." (my emphasis). When the Israelites felt stranded and alone...God SAW.  He KNEW the misery they were in.  He knew their enslavement.  And as the next chapters reveal, He had laid out a plan for the rescue.  From Egypt and ultimately, through Christ's death on the cross, from the depths of Hell.

God never forsakes His people. (Deuteronomy 31:8) He saw the Israelites...he rescued them from enslavement. He sees ME...and He's rescued me from the enslavement of my sins.

So that's my jumbled mess of thoughts...I recently wrote an email to someone and shared this with them:

The Lord is revealing to me that my deepest and most desperate desire is to intimately know Him and I feel like I'm steadily growing to understand what that means.  It's a relief and a joy.  

It's true. I've said it before...I'll never have this thing all figured out, but I'm walking in faith. And God, through his Son, is continuing to rescue me.