Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Transparency
Short and sweet: I'm so thankful when God puts people in my life who I can be completely transparent with. I'm so thankful that I don't have to fake it and pretend that I'm always okay. God provides...even when things are hard...God provides.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Anger, Judgement, Grace, and Love
I'm not going to lie. I've been pretty pissed with God lately. Am I allowed to say that? I think so. I mean, I've tried the whole "let's only offer up joy and thanksgiving" to God thing for a long time. And you know what? I think that's pretty fake. Because let's be honest, life isn't always easy. While challenges help us to grow and become the children that God desires for us to be, they can be difficult and painful. And I think we're led to believe as Christians that we can't have pain, we can't have struggles and we certainly can't publicly show that pain and struggles. But that's so fake. We live in a fallen, broken world. We will sin. And we'll try not to, and we'll fall to it again. And so I've decided I'm done with all of that. While there certainly is a time for joy and thanksgiving and while I know I'm incredibly blessed, right now the emotion that I'm dealing with is pain, hurt, and anger. I'm angry that God feels distant. I'm angry that it seems as though God refuses to listen to my prayers. I'm angry that it felt like God led me down this path and then peaced out on me.
But tonight...suddenly...I felt like he sent me a small sign that He hasn't peaced out. I felt relief...finally. Relief that He hadn't given up on me like I had given up on him.
See, here's how it all went down. Earlier in the day I was looking at some twitter updates...no, no, no...let's back up. In the past few days and maybe even the past week I've started to feel convicted a lot about how I pass judgement and condemnation on people very unfairly. I'm quick to call out faults in others all the while blinded to my own sin. I desire perfection (which in and of itself is likely a sin since I'm surely seeing this as an idol in my life), but I measure perfection according to worldly standards. If the world...even if it's the evangelical Christian world, expects for Christians to act and be a certain way, then I need to live up to that expectation. And everyone who is in relationship and/or community with me needs to live up to that expectation, too. Except, what does that create? It creates this big charade of people pretending like they've got their act together. It creates this entity of people claiming to be Christians but not fully benefiting of what it means to be a follower of Jesus. Jesus doesn't call us to have our act together and to be sinless. If that were the case, His death on the cross would be entirely insignificant and pointless. Rather, by following Christ we reap His reward...we are sanctified in Him. Our sins are wiped away (yes, even the ones that we commit over and over and over again) and we are able to experience true grace and true love. But we have to be honest and transparent with ourselves and our community to reap the full benefits of Christ's love for us. We have to be willing to admit our sins and our struggles and our imperfections...and our community needs to withhold condemnation b/c it's certainly not their place. Our community needs to extend love, mercy, and grace.
So, that's the battle that's been going on in my heart. I feel like I owe so many people apologies for judging and condemning them rather than extending unconditional love to them.
Anyways, back to where I felt God speaking to me again...so last night a friend of mine had made a statement on Twitter about how as Christians we should be cautious to make statements as to what does and does not glorify God (ie cautious to pass judgment). Then today I saw someone else Twitter about a blog post they had written about this very topic. Seeing as it was something that I had battling in my heart recently, I decided to read it. (You can find the blog post here). It really confirmed what God had already begun to speak into my heart. So fast forward to tonight. I'm at Small Group when our leader says we're going to discuss that day's City Bible Reading (my church has a daily Bible Reading schedule that everyone in the church follows). Well, since I've been pretty pissed at God lately, I've decided not to read my Bible (yes...GASP!) because clearly that'll show him that I mean business. So I open the Bible to the passage that we're going to cover and wouldn't you know...I actually had read it...by accident...earlier that day in the blog post. We were discussing 1 Corinthians 6:1-12 and what it meant not to be judgmental and condemning, but rather, what it would look like if we extended mercy to those in our lives.
Crazy. It's clear to me that God is orchestrating this all. To place this conviction upon my heart and then to have it show up so obviously in my life. It opened my eyes not only to the ways that I've sinned against others (by not showing love and grace and mercy) but also to the fact that God is clearly not giving up on me even though I've given up on him for a while. He hears my cries and He is reminding me that He's listening. I still confidently believe that God desires for us to be honest with him and convey to him when we're sad, upset, or even angry b/c it's only in this way that he can heal us of our brokeness so that we can lift up our joys and our praise to him.
Have any thoughts to share?
But tonight...suddenly...I felt like he sent me a small sign that He hasn't peaced out. I felt relief...finally. Relief that He hadn't given up on me like I had given up on him.
See, here's how it all went down. Earlier in the day I was looking at some twitter updates...no, no, no...let's back up. In the past few days and maybe even the past week I've started to feel convicted a lot about how I pass judgement and condemnation on people very unfairly. I'm quick to call out faults in others all the while blinded to my own sin. I desire perfection (which in and of itself is likely a sin since I'm surely seeing this as an idol in my life), but I measure perfection according to worldly standards. If the world...even if it's the evangelical Christian world, expects for Christians to act and be a certain way, then I need to live up to that expectation. And everyone who is in relationship and/or community with me needs to live up to that expectation, too. Except, what does that create? It creates this big charade of people pretending like they've got their act together. It creates this entity of people claiming to be Christians but not fully benefiting of what it means to be a follower of Jesus. Jesus doesn't call us to have our act together and to be sinless. If that were the case, His death on the cross would be entirely insignificant and pointless. Rather, by following Christ we reap His reward...we are sanctified in Him. Our sins are wiped away (yes, even the ones that we commit over and over and over again) and we are able to experience true grace and true love. But we have to be honest and transparent with ourselves and our community to reap the full benefits of Christ's love for us. We have to be willing to admit our sins and our struggles and our imperfections...and our community needs to withhold condemnation b/c it's certainly not their place. Our community needs to extend love, mercy, and grace.
So, that's the battle that's been going on in my heart. I feel like I owe so many people apologies for judging and condemning them rather than extending unconditional love to them.
Anyways, back to where I felt God speaking to me again...so last night a friend of mine had made a statement on Twitter about how as Christians we should be cautious to make statements as to what does and does not glorify God (ie cautious to pass judgment). Then today I saw someone else Twitter about a blog post they had written about this very topic. Seeing as it was something that I had battling in my heart recently, I decided to read it. (You can find the blog post here). It really confirmed what God had already begun to speak into my heart. So fast forward to tonight. I'm at Small Group when our leader says we're going to discuss that day's City Bible Reading (my church has a daily Bible Reading schedule that everyone in the church follows). Well, since I've been pretty pissed at God lately, I've decided not to read my Bible (yes...GASP!) because clearly that'll show him that I mean business. So I open the Bible to the passage that we're going to cover and wouldn't you know...I actually had read it...by accident...earlier that day in the blog post. We were discussing 1 Corinthians 6:1-12 and what it meant not to be judgmental and condemning, but rather, what it would look like if we extended mercy to those in our lives.
Crazy. It's clear to me that God is orchestrating this all. To place this conviction upon my heart and then to have it show up so obviously in my life. It opened my eyes not only to the ways that I've sinned against others (by not showing love and grace and mercy) but also to the fact that God is clearly not giving up on me even though I've given up on him for a while. He hears my cries and He is reminding me that He's listening. I still confidently believe that God desires for us to be honest with him and convey to him when we're sad, upset, or even angry b/c it's only in this way that he can heal us of our brokeness so that we can lift up our joys and our praise to him.
Have any thoughts to share?
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Can we talk about how much I love music?
Free download from Griffin House. He's good. I promise you. (Although this song has a bit of an 80s feel to it...hmmm). Either way, it's free. Get it. For FREE (did I mention that already?)
Monday, April 12, 2010
Good music makes my heart happy
Good music makes my heart happy...especially when it's FREE. Today Amazon had a free download of a song from the new Matt Wertz EP. I'm a big Matt Wertz fan...I've seen him in concert 2 or 3 times and he never disappoints. Anyway, today's free download was "Sing My Lonesome Away". Here's a YouTube video of the song. It's good. I promise. Enjoy.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Birthday, birthday, birthday
Quarter of a century. Yep, I'm getting old. And yes, I decided today was my day to return to the blogging world. I know internet, you've missed me. My twitter updates just aren't enough to satisfy your curiousity. Completely understandable. I lead an exciting life...every single minute. I mean, in all honesty, I should probably give you a daily play by play because my life is THAT exciting. But, dear internet, I've always been told that you've got to leave a little to the imagination. So, sorry, no play by play. But don't you worry, I'll let you in on the big, exciting happenings.
In any case, you've missed big, exciting happenings in my life for the past 3 1/2 or 4 months. Tragic, really. See here's the thing. I felt bad that I hadn't given a thorough update about my time spent in Africa (and I feel even worse that I haven't given that update to the people who supported me), so I felt guilty writing about anything else in my life when you didn't yet know about Africa. But I've come to terms with things...the Africa letter is still being written (slow and steady wins the race, right? I'm looking at this letter from a turtle's point of view thankyouverymuch), but in the meantime, life has gone on. And I need documentation of this life of mine so that someday when I'm rich and famous (hey, it could happen!! I just have to get really good at something...suggestions???) someone can write a biography about my life and use this here blog as a reference. It's a brilliant idea. Really and truly.
So...where to start, where to start. Shall I give you a snapshot of the past 3 1/2 - 4 months? Okay here goes (I feel like if I were saying this out loud, I should have to do it all in 60 seconds or less...so when you read this, read it really fast so you get that effect!).
-Spent a weekend in Pittsburgh and saw my awesome friend Jana, her husband Ryan and their adorable little boy
-Flew to Texas...twice (first time ever to Texas!)
-Went to the rodeo for the first (YAY FOR MUTTON BUSTERS!)
-Went Texas Two-Steppin' for the first time (kinda loved it)
-Saw my best friend from Ohio for the first time since Labor Day
-Spent my birthday with the world's cutest, most adorable nieces
-Spent a week with my parents when they visited in March
-Had a successful garage sale (hey, this was exciting for me!)
-Was a model in a photoshoot for work (just waiting on the modeling agencies to call...ha!)
-Worked an event at the sports complex where I got to see a bunch of NFL players, Olympic athletes, etc.
-Went kayaking (it's kinda one of my favorite things to do here in Florida...no lie)
-Watched a few cheerleading competitions (not gonna lie...it was eerily similar to "Bring It On")
Okay, I think that covers quite a bit. So you basically get the idea. And oh yeah...I worked a bunch because that's what I do. And I'm pretty good at it (even in all my modesty).
Sooo now that you're caught up (don't you feel better? Like more complete? I thought so), let's talk about birthday. I'm not even gonna fib and pretend that it was exactly how I expected it would be...in fact, it was quite a bit different. But, I had some really refreshing, wonderful moments today. This morning I opened my door to find that my friend Ryan (who I shall now refer to as the Birthday Fairy), had left a gift for me on my porch. I got an awesome Buckeyes tank and a Gator toothbrush (yes, 2 team paraphernalia that should not be intermixed...shame shame). I got to spend the day with my beautiful and funny nieces who I don't get to see nearly enough. While I was sitting outside one of the rides waiting for my family, a lady next to me started up a conversation with me and was honestly one of the nicest ladies I've ever met. She was so sweet and so talkative and when I got up to leave wished me all the best. Got a bunch of great bday wishes from friends and family. And finally, my roommate joined us this evening and spent the rest of the night at Epcot with us and now I'm getting ready to watch SNL (which I haven't watched in far too long) with some friends (what's better than ending the day with laughter?!?).
So there you have it. Caught up. It's almost like I never left!! I make no promises, internet, that I won't leave you again for an extended vacation, but I'll bring my A-game and try to commit to you.
Oh, and the best birthday gift I got? Probably the saweeet farmers tan and sunburned lips. It's hott (and hot).
Saturday Night Live time. Bye friends.
In any case, you've missed big, exciting happenings in my life for the past 3 1/2 or 4 months. Tragic, really. See here's the thing. I felt bad that I hadn't given a thorough update about my time spent in Africa (and I feel even worse that I haven't given that update to the people who supported me), so I felt guilty writing about anything else in my life when you didn't yet know about Africa. But I've come to terms with things...the Africa letter is still being written (slow and steady wins the race, right? I'm looking at this letter from a turtle's point of view thankyouverymuch), but in the meantime, life has gone on. And I need documentation of this life of mine so that someday when I'm rich and famous (hey, it could happen!! I just have to get really good at something...suggestions???) someone can write a biography about my life and use this here blog as a reference. It's a brilliant idea. Really and truly.
So...where to start, where to start. Shall I give you a snapshot of the past 3 1/2 - 4 months? Okay here goes (I feel like if I were saying this out loud, I should have to do it all in 60 seconds or less...so when you read this, read it really fast so you get that effect!).
-Spent a weekend in Pittsburgh and saw my awesome friend Jana, her husband Ryan and their adorable little boy
-Flew to Texas...twice (first time ever to Texas!)
-Went to the rodeo for the first (YAY FOR MUTTON BUSTERS!)
-Went Texas Two-Steppin' for the first time (kinda loved it)
-Saw my best friend from Ohio for the first time since Labor Day
-Spent my birthday with the world's cutest, most adorable nieces
-Spent a week with my parents when they visited in March
-Had a successful garage sale (hey, this was exciting for me!)
-Was a model in a photoshoot for work (just waiting on the modeling agencies to call...ha!)
-Worked an event at the sports complex where I got to see a bunch of NFL players, Olympic athletes, etc.
-Went kayaking (it's kinda one of my favorite things to do here in Florida...no lie)
-Watched a few cheerleading competitions (not gonna lie...it was eerily similar to "Bring It On")
Okay, I think that covers quite a bit. So you basically get the idea. And oh yeah...I worked a bunch because that's what I do. And I'm pretty good at it (even in all my modesty).
Sooo now that you're caught up (don't you feel better? Like more complete? I thought so), let's talk about birthday. I'm not even gonna fib and pretend that it was exactly how I expected it would be...in fact, it was quite a bit different. But, I had some really refreshing, wonderful moments today. This morning I opened my door to find that my friend Ryan (who I shall now refer to as the Birthday Fairy), had left a gift for me on my porch. I got an awesome Buckeyes tank and a Gator toothbrush (yes, 2 team paraphernalia that should not be intermixed...shame shame). I got to spend the day with my beautiful and funny nieces who I don't get to see nearly enough. While I was sitting outside one of the rides waiting for my family, a lady next to me started up a conversation with me and was honestly one of the nicest ladies I've ever met. She was so sweet and so talkative and when I got up to leave wished me all the best. Got a bunch of great bday wishes from friends and family. And finally, my roommate joined us this evening and spent the rest of the night at Epcot with us and now I'm getting ready to watch SNL (which I haven't watched in far too long) with some friends (what's better than ending the day with laughter?!?).
So there you have it. Caught up. It's almost like I never left!! I make no promises, internet, that I won't leave you again for an extended vacation, but I'll bring my A-game and try to commit to you.
Oh, and the best birthday gift I got? Probably the saweeet farmers tan and sunburned lips. It's hott (and hot).
Saturday Night Live time. Bye friends.
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