My Monday came with a lot of tears. As I sit here typing this on the verge of tears again, I'm surprised that I have any left to cry. I've been in prayer today constantly yelling at God to FRIEKING SHOW UP already. I know, I know. He's here. But the immature believer in me wants some stinking evidence.
Okay let me rehash my day.
It started like this. I walked outside to go to work, looked down, and saw that my front tire was nearly flat. I decided I could drive the approximately 3 miles to the shop on it and have them take a look. I got there and the guy tells me that the tire is not salvageable and will need replaced. Lovely. So I leave my car there and walk to work. As I'm texting my dad while walking to work he tells me that I need to replace 2 tires then for alignment purposes. Awesome. So about 3 hours later the shop calls me and tells me all 4 tires need replaced because they're dry rotted. Wonderful. Bye, bye $500.
I know, I know. It's not that big of a deal.
But you know what? It is. Why? Because it was the topper on the crap I feel like I've been buried under and working through the past several months.
And as I tried my hardest to pray through it today, all I kept coming back to is WHERE ARE YOU GOD? If this is the picture of the Gospel that I'm supposed to be sharing with others, it kinda sucks.
I felt like today was another damper on me trying to open doors to my dreams. I had gone to look at dSLR cameras this weekend and started to price them out and got excited about pursuing that and then out of the no where, I have to spend money that I was saving for that on my car.
It's just frustrating. And it just led me to start question everything.
It's like, c'mon God, can you cut me a break on this one?
I guess I just find myself caught between what I know is True and what Satan tries to trick me into thinking. I know that the reality is that God IS present. He HAS shown up and he will KEEP showing up. But I don't know what that looks like. At least not all the time. And definitely not during times like this when I feel like I'm struggling to keep afloat.
I know the trick that Satan is playing on me is to question what I've done wrong to deserve this crap to deal with. I find myself asking "Is this what life is supposed to be? Should I just accept it and move forward living a nominal existence?" So really, I guess that's a double trick. Because 1) I haven't done anything wrong to deserve THIS...or rather, I've done everything wrong and I don't deserve ANYTHING. But God in His abundant love is saving me constantly from more than I can imagine (I'll be honest, even as I type this I'm struggling to see what God's love looks like). And 2) Satan's trying to trick me into settling. To giving up on what I feel called to. To living a nominal, mediocre existence.
I see people with the lives that I want and I find myself thinking "They must be more faithful than I am. God has rewarded them because they read their Bible every day, tithe, volunteer, pray constantly, etc." And then I feel this sudden urge to stop everything I'm doing and simultaneously read my Bible, pray, and help the needy all at once in an effort to become more holy and therefore earn God's favor and then He will give me my heart's desires.
So you can see where the tears come in...I think they're more tears of frustration because I know that junk isn't true. I can't earn God's favor. But then I'm frustrated because I'm left here wondering how much longer I'll have to struggle through this pain and confusion that I feel. How much longer will I have to live with this strong discontentment?
Nothing seems fair. Here, Lord, am I trying to be your good and faithful servant asking not for money, fame or riches, but for a life full of meaning and purpose and I feel like you're withholding those things from me. Aren't those good and holy things to long for? So why do they feel like they are being withheld? And then I see non-believers, cheats, liars living it up, going on luxurious vacations, living in huge mansions, buying expensive clothes and cars. Come on God! Why don't you put them in their place? (Hello, Judgmental Kristi)
I want it to make sense. I want it to be fair. I want justice. I want the homeless family to be clothed and fed. I want the orphans to have a family. I want the sick to be healthy. I want the thirsty to never have to thirst again (in the most literal sense...I want them to have water).
Why does it all seem so frieking unfair? This is when I find myself shouting, yelling at God: FRIEKING SHOW UP already. In my life. In their life. In your children's lives.
And all that I keep coming back to tonight as I yell and scream and cry is gratitude. Thankful that my Father is okay with me throwing this tantrum. Thankful that as day in and day out I try to make sense of this sinful world that I'm living in, He's okay that I get mad and I get angry and I get upset.
Yeah, I'm still frustrated. And as I type this, tears are pouring out and my heart is even more confused than when I started. But I have faith that God is sitting here with me amidst my sin, loving me in ways that I don't understand or comprehend, as I try to figure it all out.
1 comment:
God loves you enough to not always "come to your rescue" in your trials, but to walk you through them, so that He can build in you the strength that you need to fulfill the wonderful and amazing plan He has for you. :)
the truth is, things are hard because they are good, because God works all things for the good of those who love Him, because He is good and we serve Him. we are all learning - this is growth for all of us.
it comes down to surrender, to leaving all of it, both sides of it, at the feet of Jesus, who has already won, who has already conquered, who has already defeated sin and death. it comes to trusting Him.
it comes to knowing we cannot be taken over by the things that would take us over, but that we must always fix our eyes upon Him who has brought us here that we would learn to do so. it comes to trusting Him.
we know who He is in all of this, we know that He is enough, He is love, He is good. it comes through desperation and inability and learning that He was speaking to us when He said, “Apart from Me you can do nothing”. it comes to knowing who He is.
it comes to trust. He is love. He is enough.
He is always enough. Don't cry.
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