I read this post on twitter today: "Good news of Gospel of Christ is not if you follow him everything will go well, good news is you get him & he's enough!" via @prodigaljohn
And here was my succession of thoughts:
1. YES! So true!
2. Wait, what?
3. C'mon, can that be any more vague.
4. Okay, what the heck does it mean to be "enough"?
5. Ugh, I hate abstract things.
Yep, that's basically how it went.
But really, I think that's a valid question. That's all great and good and wonderful to say that we get Christ and He's enough, but what does that mean for him to be enough? Sure I can say in my life that He's enough and He'll never let me go hungry, or thirsty, and He'll provide for all my needs because I'm more valuable than the lily in the valley. Blah blah blah.
But try that on the hungry kid. The orphan in Africa. The woman who has just been raped. Yeah, try that on them.
That's where I keep getting caught up. If God is God and He is enough than why can't He stinkin feed the hungry. Why can't he prevent children from being sold into the sex trade? Why can't he prevent innocent women from being victimized by rape? Why can't he feed the millions of people who go to bed hungry? Why can't he provide clean water for all his people? WHY?
What does it mean for Christ to be enough for those people?
And I get it...our ultimate home is not here, but in heaven. But if that's the case, then why don't we just get to peace out once we become believers and go chill in heaven? Why the suffering here?
Sometimes it just doesn't make sense to me. But you know what...I think I finally know what people meant when they said that going to Africa would change me forever. Not a day goes by now that I don't ask these questions and think of the children I left behind there.
Being a follower of Jesus is anything but easy. The hardest thing I do every day is try to make sense of it all. And I don't mean to be negative...just looking for answers. If anyone's got them, I'm ready to hear 'em.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Monday, September 13, 2010
Some days there are tears...
My Monday came with a lot of tears. As I sit here typing this on the verge of tears again, I'm surprised that I have any left to cry. I've been in prayer today constantly yelling at God to FRIEKING SHOW UP already. I know, I know. He's here. But the immature believer in me wants some stinking evidence.
Okay let me rehash my day.
It started like this. I walked outside to go to work, looked down, and saw that my front tire was nearly flat. I decided I could drive the approximately 3 miles to the shop on it and have them take a look. I got there and the guy tells me that the tire is not salvageable and will need replaced. Lovely. So I leave my car there and walk to work. As I'm texting my dad while walking to work he tells me that I need to replace 2 tires then for alignment purposes. Awesome. So about 3 hours later the shop calls me and tells me all 4 tires need replaced because they're dry rotted. Wonderful. Bye, bye $500.
I know, I know. It's not that big of a deal.
But you know what? It is. Why? Because it was the topper on the crap I feel like I've been buried under and working through the past several months.
And as I tried my hardest to pray through it today, all I kept coming back to is WHERE ARE YOU GOD? If this is the picture of the Gospel that I'm supposed to be sharing with others, it kinda sucks.
I felt like today was another damper on me trying to open doors to my dreams. I had gone to look at dSLR cameras this weekend and started to price them out and got excited about pursuing that and then out of the no where, I have to spend money that I was saving for that on my car.
It's just frustrating. And it just led me to start question everything.
It's like, c'mon God, can you cut me a break on this one?
I guess I just find myself caught between what I know is True and what Satan tries to trick me into thinking. I know that the reality is that God IS present. He HAS shown up and he will KEEP showing up. But I don't know what that looks like. At least not all the time. And definitely not during times like this when I feel like I'm struggling to keep afloat.
I know the trick that Satan is playing on me is to question what I've done wrong to deserve this crap to deal with. I find myself asking "Is this what life is supposed to be? Should I just accept it and move forward living a nominal existence?" So really, I guess that's a double trick. Because 1) I haven't done anything wrong to deserve THIS...or rather, I've done everything wrong and I don't deserve ANYTHING. But God in His abundant love is saving me constantly from more than I can imagine (I'll be honest, even as I type this I'm struggling to see what God's love looks like). And 2) Satan's trying to trick me into settling. To giving up on what I feel called to. To living a nominal, mediocre existence.
I see people with the lives that I want and I find myself thinking "They must be more faithful than I am. God has rewarded them because they read their Bible every day, tithe, volunteer, pray constantly, etc." And then I feel this sudden urge to stop everything I'm doing and simultaneously read my Bible, pray, and help the needy all at once in an effort to become more holy and therefore earn God's favor and then He will give me my heart's desires.
So you can see where the tears come in...I think they're more tears of frustration because I know that junk isn't true. I can't earn God's favor. But then I'm frustrated because I'm left here wondering how much longer I'll have to struggle through this pain and confusion that I feel. How much longer will I have to live with this strong discontentment?
Nothing seems fair. Here, Lord, am I trying to be your good and faithful servant asking not for money, fame or riches, but for a life full of meaning and purpose and I feel like you're withholding those things from me. Aren't those good and holy things to long for? So why do they feel like they are being withheld? And then I see non-believers, cheats, liars living it up, going on luxurious vacations, living in huge mansions, buying expensive clothes and cars. Come on God! Why don't you put them in their place? (Hello, Judgmental Kristi)
I want it to make sense. I want it to be fair. I want justice. I want the homeless family to be clothed and fed. I want the orphans to have a family. I want the sick to be healthy. I want the thirsty to never have to thirst again (in the most literal sense...I want them to have water).
Why does it all seem so frieking unfair? This is when I find myself shouting, yelling at God: FRIEKING SHOW UP already. In my life. In their life. In your children's lives.
And all that I keep coming back to tonight as I yell and scream and cry is gratitude. Thankful that my Father is okay with me throwing this tantrum. Thankful that as day in and day out I try to make sense of this sinful world that I'm living in, He's okay that I get mad and I get angry and I get upset.
Yeah, I'm still frustrated. And as I type this, tears are pouring out and my heart is even more confused than when I started. But I have faith that God is sitting here with me amidst my sin, loving me in ways that I don't understand or comprehend, as I try to figure it all out.
Okay let me rehash my day.
It started like this. I walked outside to go to work, looked down, and saw that my front tire was nearly flat. I decided I could drive the approximately 3 miles to the shop on it and have them take a look. I got there and the guy tells me that the tire is not salvageable and will need replaced. Lovely. So I leave my car there and walk to work. As I'm texting my dad while walking to work he tells me that I need to replace 2 tires then for alignment purposes. Awesome. So about 3 hours later the shop calls me and tells me all 4 tires need replaced because they're dry rotted. Wonderful. Bye, bye $500.
I know, I know. It's not that big of a deal.
But you know what? It is. Why? Because it was the topper on the crap I feel like I've been buried under and working through the past several months.
And as I tried my hardest to pray through it today, all I kept coming back to is WHERE ARE YOU GOD? If this is the picture of the Gospel that I'm supposed to be sharing with others, it kinda sucks.
I felt like today was another damper on me trying to open doors to my dreams. I had gone to look at dSLR cameras this weekend and started to price them out and got excited about pursuing that and then out of the no where, I have to spend money that I was saving for that on my car.
It's just frustrating. And it just led me to start question everything.
It's like, c'mon God, can you cut me a break on this one?
I guess I just find myself caught between what I know is True and what Satan tries to trick me into thinking. I know that the reality is that God IS present. He HAS shown up and he will KEEP showing up. But I don't know what that looks like. At least not all the time. And definitely not during times like this when I feel like I'm struggling to keep afloat.
I know the trick that Satan is playing on me is to question what I've done wrong to deserve this crap to deal with. I find myself asking "Is this what life is supposed to be? Should I just accept it and move forward living a nominal existence?" So really, I guess that's a double trick. Because 1) I haven't done anything wrong to deserve THIS...or rather, I've done everything wrong and I don't deserve ANYTHING. But God in His abundant love is saving me constantly from more than I can imagine (I'll be honest, even as I type this I'm struggling to see what God's love looks like). And 2) Satan's trying to trick me into settling. To giving up on what I feel called to. To living a nominal, mediocre existence.
I see people with the lives that I want and I find myself thinking "They must be more faithful than I am. God has rewarded them because they read their Bible every day, tithe, volunteer, pray constantly, etc." And then I feel this sudden urge to stop everything I'm doing and simultaneously read my Bible, pray, and help the needy all at once in an effort to become more holy and therefore earn God's favor and then He will give me my heart's desires.
So you can see where the tears come in...I think they're more tears of frustration because I know that junk isn't true. I can't earn God's favor. But then I'm frustrated because I'm left here wondering how much longer I'll have to struggle through this pain and confusion that I feel. How much longer will I have to live with this strong discontentment?
Nothing seems fair. Here, Lord, am I trying to be your good and faithful servant asking not for money, fame or riches, but for a life full of meaning and purpose and I feel like you're withholding those things from me. Aren't those good and holy things to long for? So why do they feel like they are being withheld? And then I see non-believers, cheats, liars living it up, going on luxurious vacations, living in huge mansions, buying expensive clothes and cars. Come on God! Why don't you put them in their place? (Hello, Judgmental Kristi)
I want it to make sense. I want it to be fair. I want justice. I want the homeless family to be clothed and fed. I want the orphans to have a family. I want the sick to be healthy. I want the thirsty to never have to thirst again (in the most literal sense...I want them to have water).
Why does it all seem so frieking unfair? This is when I find myself shouting, yelling at God: FRIEKING SHOW UP already. In my life. In their life. In your children's lives.
And all that I keep coming back to tonight as I yell and scream and cry is gratitude. Thankful that my Father is okay with me throwing this tantrum. Thankful that as day in and day out I try to make sense of this sinful world that I'm living in, He's okay that I get mad and I get angry and I get upset.
Yeah, I'm still frustrated. And as I type this, tears are pouring out and my heart is even more confused than when I started. But I have faith that God is sitting here with me amidst my sin, loving me in ways that I don't understand or comprehend, as I try to figure it all out.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Love this song
Gosh. I love music. I love country music. I love the story it tells. And I love the purity of this song. It is sad, but I still love it. Take a watch. I bet you won't be able to listen to it just once.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
New Life Goals
Every time I read someone's blog that talks about how they're really organized and utilize every moment of their day productively and how they save money by cutting coupons and searching for good deals and planning their meals every day and how amidst all that they've ran 5 marathons, found a cure for some rare disease, fed thousands of poor children, handmade their own clothing, started their own business, and planned their wedding plus their 5 best friends with no help, I start criticizing each and everything about myself.
And I have to stop.
And remind myself that even amidst their seemingly perfect, hero-like lives, there is sin.
I have to remind myself that no one is perfect.
I have to remind myself that they're dealing with their own crap somewhere in their lives.
And so my new goal is this:
To not measure myself against others.
To take pleasure in who God has designed me to be.
To recognize that my God made me restless for a reason.
To be the best person that God has made me to be, not the person that he made someone else to be.
And maybe someday I'll find some sort of crazy joy that others find in keeping calendars and schedules, and spreadsheets.
But for now...I'm me. I live in chaos. I flutter like a butterfly. I'm hard to tame and hard to tie down.
But that's who I am.
And I have to stop.
And remind myself that even amidst their seemingly perfect, hero-like lives, there is sin.
I have to remind myself that no one is perfect.
I have to remind myself that they're dealing with their own crap somewhere in their lives.
And so my new goal is this:
To not measure myself against others.
To take pleasure in who God has designed me to be.
To recognize that my God made me restless for a reason.
To be the best person that God has made me to be, not the person that he made someone else to be.
And maybe someday I'll find some sort of crazy joy that others find in keeping calendars and schedules, and spreadsheets.
But for now...I'm me. I live in chaos. I flutter like a butterfly. I'm hard to tame and hard to tie down.
But that's who I am.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Sometimes it's just hard
I'm in a place of mixed emotions right now. There are so many things I have to be thankful for right now and I can consciously count my blessings and give praise to God for all that he's given me.
But there's a part of me that feels like this Faith thing is really, really hard lately.
My brain gets it.
Mostly.
I mean, I grew up knowing it.
I get that part.
But then there's the part of my brain and my heart that doesn't get it. It's like I want to go back to the innocent childlike faith that I had before I started asking questions and seeking answers.
That life was easy.
The rules were to follow God's commandments, be a good little girl, and Jesus would love me. But I suppose the reality of that childlike faith that I had was that it wasn't the true Gospel.
The faith I had as a child and honestly, even all the way through high school, and most of college was a faith that was dependent on what I did.
It was dependent on my good behavior,
on my church involvement,
on my volunteer activities,
on my obedience to my parents and my teachers and all elders, etc.
As I write this I see how harsh that sounds, but the reality is that it was simple. Everything was very black and white.
Sure, I was failing...but in comparison to most of the world, I wasn't failing that bad.
I listened to my parents most of the time,
I got good grades,
I never drank,
I never swore,
I was nice to people,
I never got in any major trouble.
You get the idea.
But the reality is, whether I wanted to admit it then or even admit it now, I was still failing.
I told white lies,
I was sinful when I could hide it and get away with it,
I cut corners on occasion to get good grades,
I fought with my parents and disrespected them a lot,
I was nice to people's faces but would talk crap behind their backs.
Once again, you get the idea.
And then one day - I can't pinpoint the date, unfortunately - I realized that what I had always assumed to be the Gospel wasn't true at all.
What I had always assumed it took to be saved was these "values" that I had.
Be a good girl.
That would save me.
And that would save my friends and classmates, too.
If they would just quit getting trashed and stop cussing, then they'd be a real Christian. Obviously.
But how very, very misled I was.
It didn't matter how good I was, I would never, ever, ever be good enough to deserve salvation on my own. My good deeds and good reputation where not even on the radar of being close to earning me salvation. I heard the True Gospel: Christ's death on the cross has earned me salvation. Nothing I have done or could ever do will ensure me a place in Heaven. My only assurance is that Christ took my place. His inheritance is my reward. And what I really deserve, death, is what he took in my place.
And maybe that's why I'm struggling...and maybe I'll struggle my whole life.
Because it seems so simple...
really, it does...
but then it also seems so hard.
If it's not black and white anymore, what is it?
What's it look like to be a believer?
And you know what's worse? Sometimes I find myself still living in that world of black and white even though I know it's wrong. Or criticizing those believers that live in that world of black and white--like that's any better!
I crave rules...I want rules...I don't know how to handle this whole Free Grace and Free Love thing.
I didn't do anything...why do I get it?!?
Nothing is free. That doesn't make sense in this world I live in.
It's like I'm shouting to God "Okay, what's the catch, mister. What do you want of me? This can't be free. There's no way you just wipe my sin away. Don't believe it. I bet you're holding a secret grudge. You're keeping tally of my sin, aren't you? You're going to bring it back up someday, aren't you?"
I have so much trouble believing that really truly and honestly IT'S FREE.
God's Grace is Free.
I don't have to do anything...I just have to believe it and accept it.
So now I'm back to this gray area.
And that only touches the surface.
All I know is that I've lived for 25 years knowing how to "look" Christian and I'm just kind of over it. Saying the right words and doing the right things ultimately doesn't really matter. The one thing that is still very, very clear to me is that Christ has called his followers to love as He first loved us.
So as I try to figure out the rest of this crazy mess in my heart and in my head, I'm going to start with that.
I'll continue to love....
but not with these boundaries that I set up (i.e. to love only those who act like me and follow the same "rules" as me and have the same "values" as me).
I'll love with reckless abandonment...
trusting the Lord to lead my ways.
Welcome to the messy parts of my heart.
But there's a part of me that feels like this Faith thing is really, really hard lately.
My brain gets it.
Mostly.
I mean, I grew up knowing it.
I get that part.
But then there's the part of my brain and my heart that doesn't get it. It's like I want to go back to the innocent childlike faith that I had before I started asking questions and seeking answers.
That life was easy.
The rules were to follow God's commandments, be a good little girl, and Jesus would love me. But I suppose the reality of that childlike faith that I had was that it wasn't the true Gospel.
The faith I had as a child and honestly, even all the way through high school, and most of college was a faith that was dependent on what I did.
It was dependent on my good behavior,
on my church involvement,
on my volunteer activities,
on my obedience to my parents and my teachers and all elders, etc.
As I write this I see how harsh that sounds, but the reality is that it was simple. Everything was very black and white.
Sure, I was failing...but in comparison to most of the world, I wasn't failing that bad.
I listened to my parents most of the time,
I got good grades,
I never drank,
I never swore,
I was nice to people,
I never got in any major trouble.
You get the idea.
But the reality is, whether I wanted to admit it then or even admit it now, I was still failing.
I told white lies,
I was sinful when I could hide it and get away with it,
I cut corners on occasion to get good grades,
I fought with my parents and disrespected them a lot,
I was nice to people's faces but would talk crap behind their backs.
Once again, you get the idea.
And then one day - I can't pinpoint the date, unfortunately - I realized that what I had always assumed to be the Gospel wasn't true at all.
What I had always assumed it took to be saved was these "values" that I had.
Be a good girl.
That would save me.
And that would save my friends and classmates, too.
If they would just quit getting trashed and stop cussing, then they'd be a real Christian. Obviously.
But how very, very misled I was.
It didn't matter how good I was, I would never, ever, ever be good enough to deserve salvation on my own. My good deeds and good reputation where not even on the radar of being close to earning me salvation. I heard the True Gospel: Christ's death on the cross has earned me salvation. Nothing I have done or could ever do will ensure me a place in Heaven. My only assurance is that Christ took my place. His inheritance is my reward. And what I really deserve, death, is what he took in my place.
And maybe that's why I'm struggling...and maybe I'll struggle my whole life.
Because it seems so simple...
really, it does...
but then it also seems so hard.
If it's not black and white anymore, what is it?
What's it look like to be a believer?
And you know what's worse? Sometimes I find myself still living in that world of black and white even though I know it's wrong. Or criticizing those believers that live in that world of black and white--like that's any better!
I crave rules...I want rules...I don't know how to handle this whole Free Grace and Free Love thing.
I didn't do anything...why do I get it?!?
Nothing is free. That doesn't make sense in this world I live in.
It's like I'm shouting to God "Okay, what's the catch, mister. What do you want of me? This can't be free. There's no way you just wipe my sin away. Don't believe it. I bet you're holding a secret grudge. You're keeping tally of my sin, aren't you? You're going to bring it back up someday, aren't you?"
I have so much trouble believing that really truly and honestly IT'S FREE.
God's Grace is Free.
I don't have to do anything...I just have to believe it and accept it.
So now I'm back to this gray area.
And that only touches the surface.
All I know is that I've lived for 25 years knowing how to "look" Christian and I'm just kind of over it. Saying the right words and doing the right things ultimately doesn't really matter. The one thing that is still very, very clear to me is that Christ has called his followers to love as He first loved us.
So as I try to figure out the rest of this crazy mess in my heart and in my head, I'm going to start with that.
I'll continue to love....
but not with these boundaries that I set up (i.e. to love only those who act like me and follow the same "rules" as me and have the same "values" as me).
I'll love with reckless abandonment...
trusting the Lord to lead my ways.
Welcome to the messy parts of my heart.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
What Matters More
So I've kind of gotten out of the habit of blogging, not because I don't have things on my mind, but because I have SO MUCH on my mind that I don't know where to start. And I don't feel like I have the words to express.
Anyway, I'm back. For today at least. And I'm loving this song by Derek Webb. I'm a huge fan. He calls it like he sees it. He's blunt. There's issues in the Christian Church that aren't being addressed, but he's addressing them...or at least bringing attention to them. Controversial? Definitely. But I'm learning that real faith is something that we have to wrestle with. We should constantly be questioning ourselves, our beliefs, our actions, our words. We have to in order to grow.
With all that said, listen to this song. It's from his album that came out last year, I believe. Yes, the lyrics are explicit. I'm okay with that. And yes, the issue is a touchy one. I'm okay with that, too. I'm interested in hearing your thoughts on it. What are your thoughts on the topic? Let's dialogue. :)
Anyway, I'm back. For today at least. And I'm loving this song by Derek Webb. I'm a huge fan. He calls it like he sees it. He's blunt. There's issues in the Christian Church that aren't being addressed, but he's addressing them...or at least bringing attention to them. Controversial? Definitely. But I'm learning that real faith is something that we have to wrestle with. We should constantly be questioning ourselves, our beliefs, our actions, our words. We have to in order to grow.
With all that said, listen to this song. It's from his album that came out last year, I believe. Yes, the lyrics are explicit. I'm okay with that. And yes, the issue is a touchy one. I'm okay with that, too. I'm interested in hearing your thoughts on it. What are your thoughts on the topic? Let's dialogue. :)
What Matters More, by Derek Webb
You say you always treat people like you like to be
I guess you love being hated for your sexuality
You love when people put words in your mouth
'Bout what you believe, make you sound like a freak
'Cause if you really believe what you say you believe
You wouldn't be so damn reckless with the words you speak
Wouldn't silently consent when the liars speak
Denyin' all the dyin' of the remedy
Tell me, brother, what matters more to you?
Tell me, sister, what matters more to you?
If I can tell what's in your heart by what comes out of your mouth
Then it sure looks to me like being straight is all it's about
It looks like being hated for all the wrong things
Like chasin' the wind while the pendulum swings
'Cause we can talk and debate until we're blue in the face
About the language and tradition that he's comin' to save
Meanwhile we sit just like we don't give a shit
About 50,000 people who are dyin' today
Tell me, brother, what matters more to you?
Tell me, sister, what matters more to you?
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Mind Ramblings...
I have lots of random thoughts. Often. So today's post is a glimpse into my mind and the ramblings that hang out in there. Enjoy.
Also, please remember to vote for Cure JM on the Pepsi Refresh grants. Check out my post a couple down to learn more. Or just click on over and vote because that'd be the awesomest thing you could do. http://www.refresheverything.com/makejmamemory
- I love going to the library. I like roaming around and judging books by their covers. And I like free movies and free music.
- I have 2 locations here in town where I feel like I can sit quietly (or on the phone with a best friend) where I feel almost entirely at peace and calm. I'm tempted to list them, but I'd like to keep them my little secret.
- I have a horrible time remembering names that go with faces. I met a girl on Friday at work and talked with her for over an hour in my office about a job opening in our department that she's interested in. She stopped by my office again today just to say hi and for a good 30 seconds I had absolutely no idea who she was.
- I've been having incredible weird dreams lately. Including: being rescued from vampires by a cute guy from the gym, having a tarantula chase me around and being scared out of my mind, being trapped on Shutter Island (like the movie), being in the musical Grease at my high school but refusing to go to any practices, prophesying the end of the world which included me singing the Beatles "Imagine" at a high school talent show. See, weird.
- Either this summer in Florida is not as bad as the past 3 or I'm just getting used to them.
- My car said it was 90 degrees outside tonight when I was driving home and I remember thinking to myself "yay! the weather is cooling down!" uh what? Since when is 90 degrees cool? I suppose I was just thankful it wasn't 100 degrees.
- I've discovered how I like coffee. And I've discovered I actually like it quiet a bit. I like it Ethiopian style -- with lots of milk (not creamer...and skim milk at that) and just a tad bit of sugar/sweetener.
Also, please remember to vote for Cure JM on the Pepsi Refresh grants. Check out my post a couple down to learn more. Or just click on over and vote because that'd be the awesomest thing you could do. http://www.refresheverything.com/makejmamemory
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