Sometimes it's just hard

I'm in a place of mixed emotions right now. There are so many things I have to be thankful for right now and I can consciously count my blessings and give praise to God for all that he's given me.

But there's a part of me that feels like this Faith thing is really, really hard lately.
My brain gets it.
Mostly.
I mean, I grew up knowing it.
I get that part.

But then there's the part of my brain and my heart that doesn't get it. It's like I want to go back to the innocent childlike faith that I had before I started asking questions and seeking answers.

That life was easy.

The rules were to follow God's commandments, be a good little girl, and Jesus would love me. But I suppose the reality of that childlike faith that I had was that it wasn't the true Gospel.

The faith I had as a child and honestly, even all the way through high school, and most of college was a faith that was dependent on what I did.
It was dependent on my good behavior,
on my church involvement,
on my volunteer activities,
on my obedience to my parents and my teachers and all elders, etc.

As I write this I see how harsh that sounds, but the reality is that it was simple. Everything was very black and white.
Sure, I was failing...but in comparison to most of the world, I wasn't failing that bad.
I listened to my parents most of the time,
I got good grades,
I never drank,
I never swore,
I was nice to people,
I never got in any major trouble.
You get the idea.

But the reality is, whether I wanted to admit it then or even admit it now, I was still failing.
I told white lies,
I was sinful when I could hide it and get away with it,
I cut corners on occasion to get good grades,
I fought with my parents and disrespected them a lot,
I was nice to people's faces but would talk crap behind their backs.
Once again, you get the idea.

And then one day - I can't pinpoint the date, unfortunately - I realized that what I had always assumed to be the Gospel wasn't true at all.
What I had always assumed it took to be saved was these "values" that I had.
Be a good girl.
That would save me.
And that would save my friends and classmates, too.
If they would just quit getting trashed and stop cussing, then they'd be a real Christian. Obviously.

But how very, very misled I was.
It didn't matter how good I was, I would never, ever, ever be good enough to deserve salvation on my own. My good deeds and good reputation where not even on the radar of being close to earning me salvation. I heard the True Gospel: Christ's death on the cross has earned me salvation. Nothing I have done or could ever do will ensure me a place in Heaven. My only assurance is that Christ took my place. His inheritance is my reward. And what I really deserve, death, is what he took in my place.

And maybe that's why I'm struggling...and maybe I'll struggle my whole life.

Because it seems so simple...
really, it does...
but then it also seems so hard.
If it's not black and white anymore, what is it?
What's it look like to be a believer?

And you know what's worse? Sometimes I find myself still living in that world of black and white even though I know it's wrong. Or criticizing those believers that live in that world of black and white--like that's any better!

I crave rules...I want rules...I don't know how to handle this whole Free Grace and Free Love thing.
I didn't do anything...why do I get it?!?
Nothing is free. That doesn't make sense in this world I live in.
It's like I'm shouting to God "Okay, what's the catch, mister. What do you want of me? This can't be free. There's no way you just wipe my sin away. Don't believe it. I bet you're holding a secret grudge. You're keeping tally of my sin, aren't you? You're going to bring it back up someday, aren't you?"

I have so much trouble believing that really truly and honestly IT'S FREE.
God's Grace is Free.
I don't have to do anything...I just have to believe it and accept it.

So now I'm back to this gray area.

And that only touches the surface.

All I know is that I've lived for 25 years knowing how to "look" Christian and I'm just kind of over it. Saying the right words and doing the right things ultimately doesn't really matter. The one thing that is still very, very clear to me is that Christ has called his followers to love as He first loved us.

So as I try to figure out the rest of this crazy mess in my heart and in my head, I'm going to start with that.

I'll continue to love....
but not with these boundaries that I set up (i.e. to love only those who act like me and follow the same "rules" as me and have the same "values" as me).
I'll love with reckless abandonment...
trusting the Lord to lead my ways.

Welcome to the messy parts of my heart.

What Matters More

So I've kind of gotten out of the habit of blogging, not because I don't have things on my mind, but because I have SO MUCH on my mind that I don't know where to start. And I don't feel like I have the words to express.

Anyway, I'm back. For today at least. And I'm loving this song by Derek Webb. I'm a huge fan. He calls it like he sees it. He's blunt. There's issues in the Christian Church that aren't being addressed, but he's addressing them...or at least bringing attention to them. Controversial? Definitely. But I'm learning that real faith is something that we have to wrestle with. We should constantly be questioning ourselves, our beliefs, our actions, our words. We have to in order to grow.

With all that said, listen to this song. It's from his album that came out last year, I believe. Yes, the lyrics are explicit. I'm okay with that. And yes, the issue is a touchy one. I'm okay with that, too. I'm interested in hearing your thoughts on it. What are your thoughts on the topic? Let's dialogue. :)

What Matters More, by Derek Webb

You say you always treat people like you like to be
I guess you love being hated for your sexuality
You love when people put words in your mouth
'Bout what you believe, make you sound like a freak

'Cause if you really believe what you say you believe
You wouldn't be so damn reckless with the words you speak
Wouldn't silently consent when the liars speak
Denyin' all the dyin' of the remedy

Tell me, brother, what matters more to you?
Tell me, sister, what matters more to you?

If I can tell what's in your heart by what comes out of your mouth
Then it sure looks to me like being straight is all it's about
It looks like being hated for all the wrong things
Like chasin' the wind while the pendulum swings

'Cause we can talk and debate until we're blue in the face
About the language and tradition that he's comin' to save
Meanwhile we sit just like we don't give a shit
About 50,000 people who are dyin' today

Tell me, brother, what matters more to you?
Tell me, sister, what matters more to you?

Mind Ramblings...

I have lots of random thoughts. Often. So today's post is a glimpse into my mind and the ramblings that hang out in there. Enjoy.

• I love going to the library. I like roaming around and judging books by their covers. And I like free movies and free music.
  
• I have 2 locations here in town where I feel like I can sit quietly (or on the phone with a best friend) where I feel almost entirely at peace and calm. I'm tempted to list them, but I'd like to keep them my little secret.
• I have a horrible time remembering names that go with faces. I met a girl on Friday at work and talked with her for over an hour in my office about a job opening in our department that she's interested in. She stopped by my office again today just to say hi and for a good 30 seconds I had absolutely no idea who she was.
  
• I've been having incredible weird dreams lately. Including: being rescued from vampires by a cute guy from the gym, having a tarantula chase me around and being scared out of my mind, being trapped on Shutter Island (like the movie), being in the musical Grease at my high school but refusing to go to any practices, prophesying the end of the world which included me singing the Beatles "Imagine" at a high school talent show. See, weird.
• Either this summer in Florida is not as bad as the past 3 or I'm just getting used to them.
  
• My car said it was 90 degrees outside tonight when I was driving home and I remember thinking to myself "yay! the weather is cooling down!" uh what? Since when is 90 degrees cool? I suppose I was just thankful it wasn't 100 degrees.
• I've discovered how I like coffee. And I've discovered I actually like it quiet a bit. I like it Ethiopian style -- with lots of milk (not creamer...and skim milk at that) and just a tad bit of sugar/sweetener.

Wow, I'm drawing a blank on everything else. I mean, my mind literally races a 100 miles a minute all day long with random thoughts, longings of my heart, questions, wonders, dreams, etc. But right now all I can think of is that I'm ready to lay my head down and go to sleep. So I'm going to indulge in that now.

Also, please remember to vote for Cure JM on the Pepsi Refresh grants. Check out my post a couple down to learn more. Or just click on over and vote because that'd be the awesomest thing you could do. http://www.refresheverything.com/makejmamemory

Breast Ironing of Young Girls in Cameroon

It doesn't matter how much I read or witness about the conditions in Africa, I'm always startled anew when I read yet another article or watch yet another video of injustice. This time it's in Cameroon in West Africa. There, one out of four girls experiences breast ironing because their parents believe that it'll prevent them from being sexually desirable and therefore prevent their teenage daughter from getting pregnant. As the video explains, teenage pregnancy is a major issue in Cameroon and the government there is failing to recognize that as well as breast ironing that is being done. What's needed is sexual education classes as well as punishment for the men who are taking advantage of unwilling teenage girls for their own sexual pleasure. But instead, these girls suffer because the root of the problem is failing to be identified and treated.

Watch the video...but I also warn you that there is nudity involved.

Juvenile Dermatomyositis - You can help!

When I lived in Columbus I attended Grace Central Church in the Victorian Village area of downtown Columbus. God provided me with great community and teachings that were the start of my understanding what the Gospel really meant. My pastor there, Greg, was a man of character who spoke constantly spoke words of wisdom into my life through his sermons. I also served on the worship team there on occasion and had the privilege of singing with Greg's wife, Charity. I'm telling you all of this to tell you about their son, Sam. You see, Sam has an illness called Juvenile Dermatomyositis (JDM). Sam is a super cool kid. I remember Greg telling stories about Sam in his sermon on occasion. While I no longer live in Columbus, I keep in touch with people from Grace Central through facebook, blogs, email, etc. (all the typical 21st century communications) and have come to learn that Sam is a very intelligent kid who LOVES Star Wars. That all seems normal except with JDM Sam lives a life of pain and fatigue. He has to go to the doctor on a weekly basis to get an IV. I'm pretty sure that's not the way life should be for a kid. When Sam goes outside to play he has to take more precautions than most kids. The sun can make his condition even worse so he wears long sleeves and pants and a hat. Can you imagine how that can be rough in summer?

So why am I telling you all of this? Well for a couple of reasons. First, I hope that you will be praying for Sam (and all kids with JDM) to be healed. I remember my childhood as one filled with worry-free joy. Shouldn't all kids have that experience? Second, and most importantly, you can help in a tangible way. Cure JM, an organization that is dedicated to finding a cure for JM is up for a Pepsi Refresh grant. Currently the are in 12th place but by the end of July (such a short time away!!) they need to be number 2 in order to get the grant. All you have to do is log in and vote. That's it. It's simple. I've voted every day for a couple of weeks and I can tell you that you don't have to worry about Pepsi sending you spam email. So log in on your email, your parents, your siblings, WHOEVER. Vote, please, for this precious kid and for all the kids out there living with JDM. With a few clicks you can change lives. No money required from you.

So here's the link: http://www.refresheverything.com/makejmamemory. Remember you must LOG IN first before you vote. And you can log in with multiple email addresses. Also, you can vote once a day. So please continue to log in and vote. Tell your friends and family. IT'S EASY. And then browse around and vote for other ideas you support (just don't vote for any other in the $250k category). With just a click you're changing lives.

And check out the video I made of pics of Sam I got from his mom, Charity. Isn't he one of the cutest kids EVER?!? Seriously. And I think after dealing with this disease and keeping that super cute smile on his face his DEFINITELY a Supehero!! So vote. Now. Do it for him. Please. And as you do it, please pray that he'll be healed. Thanks friends!!

Sam the Superhero!! from Kristi Kratzer on Vimeo.

Knowing His Strength

When I listen to music, I usually become obsessive about a song or an album until I listen to it so much that I wear it out. I've gotten to that point with an album that was just released last week. Everyone should drop everything they're doing (okay...finish reading my blog post, first) and go download Audrey Assad's album "The House You're Building". Seriously, this might be one of the best albums I've listened to in the past few years. Her lyrics are incredibly insightful and pull at the strings of the heart. And her voice is amazing. Go to itunes now and buy it.

Anyway, she has a song on the album called "Run Forward" that I listen to multiple times a day. And there's a line in it, in particular, that I've really been thinking about over the past few days. It keeps coming back to me. She sings "You made me afraid, thank you. I've gotta thank you. Because now I know His strength." And the more I've meditated on that the more I've come to realize how true it is in my life. So often I find myself dwelling on the bad things in life, on the hard moments, on the things that make me sad, frustrated, confused, afraid. But as I stop to think about it I realize how far God has brought me from those things. How in absolutely every instance He has shown His presence (not always in ways I've expected) and made Himself known.

In 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 it says:

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

We experience the power of Christ in our weakness. When we are strong we find ourselves relying on Him less and less. So as I reflect over the past 7 months of this year so far, I'm thankful for the hardships that have been tossed my way. I'm thankful that I have witnessed the power of Christ working in my own life. I've witnessed His healing grace, His neverending love. And of course, I'm also thankful for all the good times in life...they are all the more sweeter as I see now that they are a gift from my savior.

Anyway, listen to the song. And of course, buy the album.

Sharing the table

I've been reading "The Ragamuffin Gospel" (although admittedly not very regularly), and as I've expected along the way, it's pouring Truth into my life. It's hard Truth, but refreshing Truth. Anyway, tonight when I was reading I found something that really resonated with me. Brennan Manning began to explain how meaningful it was that Jesus sat down to dinner with people--with sinners--with the lowly. Not only did he sit down to dinner with the lowliest of the low, but he invited them to dinner. This wasn't just a simple act of kindness, this was a special invitation. He explains that in first-century Palestinian Judaism it was illegal to associate with people in different social classes meaning that dinner was definitely out of the question. Christ shook the very foundation -- the law -- that society at that time was built on.

Manning goes on to share this:

In the Near East, to share a meal with someone is a guarantee of peace, trust, fraternity, and forgiveness--the shared table symbolizes a shared life. An Orthodox Jew's saying "I would like to have dinner with you" is a metaphor that imples, "I would like to enter into friendship with you." Even today an American Jew will share a doughnut and a cup of coffee with you, but to extend a dinner invitation is to say, "Come to my mikdash me-at, the miniature sanctuary of my dining room table, where we will celebrate the most sacred and beautiful experience that life affords--friendship." That is what Zacchaeus heard when Jesus called him down from the sycamore tree, and that is why Jesus' practice of table fellowship caused hostile comment from the outset of His ministry.

For some reason, I just really love this picture. Like that's what it really means to feast at the table of Christ. To share in communion with fellow believers. To break bread together in community. To share life together.

One of my absolute favorite things in the entire world is conversation with a friend while enjoying a good meal. And now I think I understand a little bit why that's always been such a comfort to my soul and something I look forward to. I think it's because that's what Christ intended community to be. To invite people into every aspect of our lives.

But as I type this I'm convicted of who I bring to my table. Yes, I bring my friends, my brothers and sisters in Christ, to my table. And I believe that's good. We need community. We need those special bonds and relationships. But the thing is, Christ didn't just invite the disciples and his family to share the table with him. He invited the lowliest of the low to his table. Am I putting up a wall around my table? How can I let others in...not just to have dinner with me, but to have a relationship with me? How do I have community with the marginalized? And not just charity/pity relationship, but real and honest community? How do I love the way Christ loved?