Who I long to be...

Life has been happening around here.  That's the easiest way to describe things.  Just life.  Ups and downs, good things and bad things....my journey continues on.  And it's beautiful, really, I promise you it is.  Amidst the messiness and craziness, it's a beautiful life.

But I've realized this lately...the burden I carry is heavy.
And I think heavier than necessary. 

I mean, I honestly believe that life is not intended to be easy breezy all the time.  A life like that allows no challenges to grow, opportunities to learn, chances to experience worlds outside the bubbles we create for ourselves.

But I do think there's a middle ground.  And I don't think I've gotten there yet.

For this reason...

I carry the burden alone...at least most of the time.  I carry both the worries and the joys alone.
And who should I share those burdens with?
I don't know if it's a matter of sharing...
...rather, maybe giving.

Maybe I should be giving them over to Christ.  And maybe that's not even a maybe.  Rather, a definite biblical truth.

I spend so much energy worrying.  Even about the joys, even when I'm on a mountaintop.  Worrying about when the valleys will come.  And rarely do I turn to Christ.  Rarely do I give it to Him.

Why?
Easy, lack of faith. I don't believe that He'll take care of it the way I want Him to. I don't believe that He'll respond to my needs in the timing I want Him to.  So I foolishly believe that if I worry and fret about things enough, they'll get better.  Ha! Right. Instead, I end up emotionally (and sometimes physically) exhausted. I start to lead a crippled life because I spend so much time worrying about my circumstances that I am often unable to respond to the people around me.  To care for those I love. I'm consumed with my own life that I have no energy to reach out to others.

Fail. Utter fail on my part.

So who do I long to be?

I long to be a woman of faith who turns first and foremost to her Savior.  Who finds comfort knowing that Christ is in complete and utter control of my life.  Who is okay being in the valley and feeling disappointed because I am confident that my Jesus will rescue me.  I long for a faith that is strong enough to trust that each and every moment and experience....the good and most definitely the challenging, are refining me and making me the girl that God has called me to be.

I long to love Jesus more than I love myself. To trust that He is good and perfect and more capable than I could ever even imagine.

I'm desperately praying for that...