Selfishness...short and sweet

This'll be a short post. But this has just been running through my mind. I think as part of our human nature we tend to think that our sin only affects ourselves. I think that's evidence of our selfishness, or rather, or self-centerdness (I think maybe I just made that word up). But the reality is, our sin affects the Body of Christ. It affects others. I've been thinking about this as I've been trying to wrap my mind around suffering such as hunger, homelessness, disease, etc. And the reality is, my sin is partially to blame. My lust for material items, my desire for status, my longing for the "American Dream" often comes before my heart for the poor and oppressed. If I were half as desperate to see them redeemed as I were to buy that new pair of shoes, perhaps things would be different. And I know, I can't take the weight of the world on my own shoulders. But I just think it's important that in this selfishness that we live in that we recognize that even when it comes to the affects of our sin we are selfish. Now more than ever do I see the importance of God's Grace. It covers all. I am thankful.

Seeing the World Through my Camera Lense

I made the plunge. I finally bought a dSLR that I've been wanting for YEARS. I LOVE photography. Like absolutely adore it. I love the stories that photographs tell and I love the memories they capture. I've taken classes in film photography and really love working in the dark room, but it's time to move into the 21st century. So I purchased a Nikon D90 and so far, I. LOVE. IT. I'm obviously still trying to figure things out on it and I have LOTS to learn, but I'm forcing myself to shoot pictures in manual, play with the shutter speed and aperture, and really figure this thing out.

Anyways, here are a few of my first pictures that I'm pretty happy with (except they look a lot darker uploaded to blogger than they look in iPhoto. Hmmm.). Enjoy :) (Oh, and do share tips and thoughts, if you have them!).

Winter Garden, Florida:

Fountain in Winter Garden:

Historic fire truck:

And what's a small town without its liquor store? :)

How Jersey Shores Helped Me Understand the Love of Christ

Yep. That's right. Odd, I know. But let me explain (or at least give it a try).

See, I was watching Jersey Shore for the first time tonight (I had only seen some clips of it on comedy shows and such before). And I was watching it I, of course, was a bit shocked. I'll fully admit that I grew up a sheltered girl from the farmlands of the Midwest, but I've since seen quite a bit of the world. And yet, watching Jersey Shores I was still left with my mouth gaping open as the girls bickered about the dumbest things, the boys hooked up with girls they'd met for the first time just hours before, friends failed to stand up and defend each other, etc.

Anyway, I just kind of brushed it off and went on with my night.

Then, as I was taking a shower (because all good thinking happens while in the shower. Fact.), I started thinking about it again. For a long time I've been questioning what it means to be a Believer and what it means to be loved by Christ. And maybe, just maybe this is part of it (because I know I'll never understand the full of it in this lifetime!!). I've been hurting for a while, thinking to myself that if God really loved me that he would fix everything...not just in my life, but in the lives of all His people. But maybe part of being loved by Christ is being aware. I feel as though the more I grow to know Jesus, the more my heart hurts...but I think the reasons my heart hurts changes. My heart hurts less often because someone was mean to me or I didn't get my way and my heart starts hurting more often for the poor, oppressed, and needy. Maybe that's part of what it means to be loved by Christ. I think less of myself and more about what His heart hurts for.

I'm DEFINITELY NOT saying I have it all figured out or that my heart is selfless all the time (heck, even part of the time). But as I watched Jersey Shore tonight and saw the selfish actions, I realized how unaware they are of world around them. They live in a world of finding gratification for themselves no matter what the cost might be to the people around them. I think as we grow to know and love Christ we become aware of the community and world around us. We begin to think about our actions and how they affect others. It may still make little or no sense, but we see it, we respond to it, we attempt to live out love even though we fail miserably.

It's starting to make sense a little bit. This is why we question...to look for answers.

What's Enough?

I read this post on twitter today: "Good news of Gospel of Christ is not if you follow him everything will go well, good news is you get him & he's enough!" via @prodigaljohn

And here was my succession of thoughts:

1. YES! So true!
2. Wait, what?
3. C'mon, can that be any more vague.
4. Okay, what the heck does it mean to be "enough"?
5. Ugh, I hate abstract things.

Yep, that's basically how it went.

But really, I think that's a valid question. That's all great and good and wonderful to say that we get Christ and He's enough, but what does that mean for him to be enough? Sure I can say in my life that He's enough and He'll never let me go hungry, or thirsty, and He'll provide for all my needs because I'm more valuable than the lily in the valley. Blah blah blah.

But try that on the hungry kid. The orphan in Africa. The woman who has just been raped. Yeah, try that on them.

That's where I keep getting caught up. If God is God and He is enough than why can't He stinkin feed the hungry. Why can't he prevent children from being sold into the sex trade? Why can't he prevent innocent women from being victimized by rape? Why can't he feed the millions of people who go to bed hungry? Why can't he provide clean water for all his people? WHY?

What does it mean for Christ to be enough for those people?

And I get it...our ultimate home is not here, but in heaven. But if that's the case, then why don't we just get to peace out once we become believers and go chill in heaven? Why the suffering here?

Sometimes it just doesn't make sense to me. But you know what...I think I finally know what people meant when they said that going to Africa would change me forever. Not a day goes by now that I don't ask these questions and think of the children I left behind there.

Being a follower of Jesus is anything but easy. The hardest thing I do every day is try to make sense of it all. And I don't mean to be negative...just looking for answers. If anyone's got them, I'm ready to hear 'em.

Some days there are tears...

My Monday came with a lot of tears. As I sit here typing this on the verge of tears again, I'm surprised that I have any left to cry. I've been in prayer today constantly yelling at God to FRIEKING SHOW UP already. I know, I know. He's here. But the immature believer in me wants some stinking evidence.

Okay let me rehash my day.

It started like this. I walked outside to go to work, looked down, and saw that my front tire was nearly flat. I decided I could drive the approximately 3 miles to the shop on it and have them take a look. I got there and the guy tells me that the tire is not salvageable and will need replaced. Lovely. So I leave my car there and walk to work. As I'm texting my dad while walking to work he tells me that I need to replace 2 tires then for alignment purposes. Awesome. So about 3 hours later the shop calls me and tells me all 4 tires need replaced because they're dry rotted. Wonderful. Bye, bye $500.

I know, I know. It's not that big of a deal.

But you know what? It is. Why? Because it was the topper on the crap I feel like I've been buried under and working through the past several months.

And as I tried my hardest to pray through it today, all I kept coming back to is WHERE ARE YOU GOD? If this is the picture of the Gospel that I'm supposed to be sharing with others, it kinda sucks.

I felt like today was another damper on me trying to open doors to my dreams. I had gone to look at dSLR cameras this weekend and started to price them out and got excited about pursuing that and then out of the no where, I have to spend money that I was saving for that on my car.

It's just frustrating. And it just led me to start question everything.

It's like, c'mon God, can you cut me a break on this one?

I guess I just find myself caught between what I know is True and what Satan tries to trick me into thinking. I know that the reality is that God IS present. He HAS shown up and he will KEEP showing up. But I don't know what that looks like. At least not all the time. And definitely not during times like this when I feel like I'm struggling to keep afloat.

I know the trick that Satan is playing on me is to question what I've done wrong to deserve this crap to deal with. I find myself asking "Is this what life is supposed to be? Should I just accept it and move forward living a nominal existence?" So really, I guess that's a double trick. Because 1) I haven't done anything wrong to deserve THIS...or rather, I've done everything wrong and I don't deserve ANYTHING. But God in His abundant love is saving me constantly from more than I can imagine (I'll be honest, even as I type this I'm struggling to see what God's love looks like). And 2) Satan's trying to trick me into settling. To giving up on what I feel called to. To living a nominal, mediocre existence.

I see people with the lives that I want and I find myself thinking "They must be more faithful than I am. God has rewarded them because they read their Bible every day, tithe, volunteer, pray constantly, etc." And then I feel this sudden urge to stop everything I'm doing and simultaneously read my Bible, pray, and help the needy all at once in an effort to become more holy and therefore earn God's favor and then He will give me my heart's desires.

So you can see where the tears come in...I think they're more tears of frustration because I know that junk isn't true. I can't earn God's favor. But then I'm frustrated because I'm left here wondering how much longer I'll have to struggle through this pain and confusion that I feel. How much longer will I have to live with this strong discontentment?

Nothing seems fair. Here, Lord, am I trying to be your good and faithful servant asking not for money, fame or riches, but for a life full of meaning and purpose and I feel like you're withholding those things from me. Aren't those good and holy things to long for? So why do they feel like they are being withheld? And then I see non-believers, cheats, liars living it up, going on luxurious vacations, living in huge mansions, buying expensive clothes and cars. Come on God! Why don't you put them in their place? (Hello, Judgmental Kristi)

I want it to make sense. I want it to be fair. I want justice. I want the homeless family to be clothed and fed. I want the orphans to have a family. I want the sick to be healthy. I want the thirsty to never have to thirst again (in the most literal sense...I want them to have water).

Why does it all seem so frieking unfair? This is when I find myself shouting, yelling at God: FRIEKING SHOW UP already. In my life. In their life. In your children's lives.

And all that I keep coming back to tonight as I yell and scream and cry is gratitude. Thankful that my Father is okay with me throwing this tantrum. Thankful that as day in and day out I try to make sense of this sinful world that I'm living in, He's okay that I get mad and I get angry and I get upset.

Yeah, I'm still frustrated. And as I type this, tears are pouring out and my heart is even more confused than when I started. But I have faith that God is sitting here with me amidst my sin, loving me in ways that I don't understand or comprehend, as I try to figure it all out.

Love this song

Gosh. I love music. I love country music. I love the story it tells. And I love the purity of this song. It is sad, but I still love it. Take a watch. I bet you won't be able to listen to it just once.

New Life Goals

Every time I read someone's blog that talks about how they're really organized and utilize every moment of their day productively and how they save money by cutting coupons and searching for good deals and planning their meals every day and how amidst all that they've ran 5 marathons, found a cure for some rare disease, fed thousands of poor children, handmade their own clothing, started their own business, and planned their wedding plus their 5 best friends with no help, I start criticizing each and everything about myself.

And I have to stop.

And remind myself that even amidst their seemingly perfect, hero-like lives, there is sin.
I have to remind myself that no one is perfect.
I have to remind myself that they're dealing with their own crap somewhere in their lives.

And so my new goal is this:

To not measure myself against others.
To take pleasure in who God has designed me to be.
To recognize that my God made me restless for a reason.
To be the best person that God has made me to be, not the person that he made someone else to be.

And maybe someday I'll find some sort of crazy joy that others find in keeping calendars and schedules, and spreadsheets.

But for now...I'm me. I live in chaos. I flutter like a butterfly. I'm hard to tame and hard to tie down.

But that's who I am.