Suffering

I've had this feeling lately.  I don't know how to describe it.  It's like I'm on the brink of God unveiling something in my life.  I'll admit it.  It's mostly a pretty cool feeling, but sometimes it's a little bit scary (probably b/c of it's uncertainty) and I want to turn away.  I know for sure that I'm being molded in ways I don't understand right now.  I'm constantly feeling tugs on my heart, but it's like, what tug is the strongest one that I'm supposed to dive head first in for?  I think for now I'm just waiting for God to shove me through the door that He wants me to go through (because let's be honest, I'm quite stubborn, so a nice shove might be what it takes).  I think I'm still listening to hear what my calling is and maybe God's not quite ready to tell me yet.  But in the meantime, I'm trying my hardest to grow in his word.  

What's that have to do with the title of my post?  Here it is.  We talked about suffering tonight at small group.  And I feel like every time I leave church or small group lately, I just have so many thoughts running through my head and so much decompression that needs to be done.  I guess that's why I feel like God's doing something crazy in my life that I'm not even aware of yet.  Anyway.  We were discussing 1 Peter 2:18-25.  That passage talks about slaves submitting to their masters and enduring suffering even for doing good.  We talked about how, as Christians, we will suffer.  And when we suffer we are supposed to suffer with patience, respect, and by not retaliating.  How completely counterculture is that?  I mean seriously.  Think about all the times when you feel you've been wronged.  Don't you feel like you have every right to speak your mind.  Take credit for what is yours.  Put someone in their place.  But it's not like that at all.  As Christians, we are called to endure these times of suffering because our ultimate reward is heaven.  The funny thing is, we tried to think about how we suffer as 21st Century Christians living in the United States of America and let's be honest.  We don't really suffer.  We can go to church and worship without persecution.  We can read our Bibles in public without fear of death.  We can share the gospel without fear of imprisonment.  In essence, we really endure little suffering of this sorts.  So, I suppose that makes it a little bit harder on us.  I suppose our suffering comes in the variety of holding your tongue against someone who you've felt wronged by or giving respect to a boss who you feel treats you unfairly.  How hard can circumstances like that be?  

In any case, I keep thinking about how I should be praying for Christ to allow me to suffer more so I can more fully experience his love.  Because isn't it in times of our deepest pain and suffering when we most fully rest on Christ's love and grace to bring us through those times.  Isn't it then that we can fully experience what it means to be loved?  But I'll be honest...I'm scared to pray for suffering.  I'm scared to be outside my comfort zone.  I'm scared to live counter-culturally.  But in the end, I want that eternal reward.  I want to feast with Christ at His heavenly banquet.  So I supposed my prayer will have to be that Christ would teach me true love and grace through his suffering so I may fully experience his kingdom.  This could be hard...

PS--Have I mentioned how much I love City Church and my Community Group.  Amazing people and I can truly tell that God is doing incredible things there!  We just started a sermon series on the 5 vows of membership in the PCA church and I'm SO EXCITED to become a member there.  This'll be my first time to claim membership at a church other than my home church growing up.  I finally feel like I have a Church Home and a Church Family here in Florida.  It really does make all the difference.  Love it! :)